Question: I am really frustrated at my progress towards inner peace and balance. Why is this not “working”? What am I not doing or doing to sabotage myself? It’s all very well hearing and writing about my own wholeness, but it seems that no matter what I do, I feel more disconnection with my self and others, more pain, more isolation. What good is inner work and channeling if it doesn’t actually produce positive change? Please feel free to tell me “as it is”, without walking around anything that I might be afraid to look at. I want to know.

You have asked us to tell you things “as it is”, or as you are, without dancing around the topic. We understand that you value expression. You value Truth in expression. We will attempt to bring you that now.

You have asked what you are doing wrong or not doing, or doing to sabotage yourself. As much as you desire change, understand it is because you think you “should”. This desire for change, then, you have allowed to come to you from an external source rather that from inside yourself. In other words, true change will not occur for you unless and until you are connected to your inner Self and the desire to change comes from there.

Now we can tell you reasons why you have allowed this external “should” to come in. But understand that you do not have a desire to connect with that inner Self except with that desire that comes to you via this external “should”. In other words, until you drop the external “should”, change will not occur at the rate at which you think you “should” have it. Now, ironically, once you are able to drop this external “should” and become connected with your inner self, you will likely not feel the need for change, for you will likely already have what you want. So we would suggest looking at your pattern of external influences and determining you are going to continue to accept them. Once you drop them, if you should choose to, all that will be left will be that inner core of yourself. If, however, you choose to remain immersed in these external influences you have allowed to accumulate outside of you, you will always feel there is an inner emptiness. Now, are there any questions.

That is, as we said, “as we see it”. However, we understand it is not easy to get there. It is one thing for us to say drop the external influences, but when you are mired within them, that is all you could see. Now, you could manifest within yourself a very dramatic way to drop the external influences. This could look like insanity to others. It could be extremely painful. It could be part of a “near death” experience. Any other really dramatic shift is likely to have that effect. So you must ask yourself: is that what you want? And in the asking, ask yourself also what are the influences telling me what I “should” want?

Aside from a dramatic shift such as we described, you could also examine every one of these influences that you already know about, travel with each one back to the source and allow yourself to let it dissipate, for you know you don’t need it. You must however, believe this can happen. If you believe you are nothing but what others think that you are, then you will be that. You have the power to choose what you are and who you are, and who you are not.

This was enormously helpful to me, because knowing my own blocks is just as important as knowing my own light. Like many people, my identity was largely constructed from others: how others looked at me, what part of me was loved, what was not accepted, what was painful, what was joyful, how I needed to act to gain acceptance. And all of these things are externals. Even my desires, such as for wholeness, can be things I think I should want. That’s the legacy of our advertising-based culture.

In this time of enforced inactivity called illness, I really can’t give to others as much as I used to. I can’t earn a living, I can’t help around the house much, I can’t think that clearly much of the time, and I even can’t do energy work without a reaction. It’s brought up a lot of self-hatred and confusion about my identity – because in some ways I perceived I needed to do all these things in order to be lovable. But looking at all my self-hatred now, I see that without exception, every hatred I have is because I perceive something (in myself or others) that is different from how I think it should be. And all of those “should”s came from somewhere outside myself. Every last one.

Most people in this culture, I’ve gradually perceived, have little awareness when there is a connection to this deep inner presence called “Self”. It takes time and space to allow this connection. There is no quick answer, no quick solution to becoming who you are. Any attempt to make it a quick solution is always because of another “should”. But there is no way to find inner peace and balance without this connection, however long it takes.

And so my journey (and yours) goes on…

These connections with others are a foundational part of living. Without them, we would quite literally go insane or feel tormented, as those in solitary confinement in prison sometimes do. Exploring connections is hard wired into our bodies, and even when lives of relative isolation are lived, there will always be an element of this exploration.

Exploring longer term connections, the depth of them, is termed “a relationship”. We all have different preconceptions of what a relationship is – as many preconceptions as the word “love”. It is in longer term relationships that we meet the dichotomy between these preconceptions and what is head on. Conflict can be the natural result. We also see how much the ideal of “relationship” we have works within ourselves, for we can try to fit ourselves in a mold very easily in an attempt for intimacy. It is a dance with essentially the present moment, Now.

In this dance of intimacy, which can also be termed “knowing the Self”, I’ve identified two fundamental forces and motivations based in Love:

• Knowing Love through interconnection. This is the desire to know one’s wholeness and completion through seeing how fundamentally interconnected we are with others. We connect with others via sharing ideas, emotions, and space, and feel the joy that comes from this experience of oneness in whatever form it takes. It is a desire to fully experience the knowledge that you are not separate from anything in the universe.
• Knowing Love through autonomy. This is the desire to experience wholeness simply by being exactly who you are in this moment. In other words, it is the sure knowledge there is nothing lacking in you, and that nothing can be found in another that cannot be found in the Self. There is thus no empty need for connections with others. There is nothing you can “get” you cannot find already there, and so there is no need for any pretense in order to gain anything externally. All of the universe is within you.

These two forces sound diametrically in opposition. Most people place more emphasis on one than the other; some are focused on new experiences and connections at all costs, and yet others are about maintaining and building identity. Yet the paradox involved in all this is that they are not separate at all. Wholeness is found both in the universe and in the Self, without conflict. “As within, so without” was the maxim of the alchemists studying inner transformation. This has parallels to the psychological concept in Bowen family systems theory of differentiation. A healthy balance is obtained by a core self that is maintained in the midst of stress and deep connection. The oneness of the above concepts shows itself in the world through the fact that the depth of your connection with others is always equal to the depth of connection you have with your Self. Again, this is not theory, and it is not simply in the long term. It is a truism of every moment of your life. When you lose connection with Self, you may indeed feel “highs” of connection with others, which can feel as intense as opiates. But this connection always feels around the corner, not Now. This law of connection is itself an expression of the oneness of the universe.

Relationships are the most visible manifestation of this oneness. If a man feels inner lack, or emptiness inside from not being connected to Self, then it is common to seek someone in a relationship to fill this apparent void. He might even obsessively seek more and more connections with others, seeking to know wholeness through the eyes of many others. But because of the utter unity of inner relationship with the Self and outer relationships with others, this soon manifests as co-dependency, conflict or other “problems”, even in short term relationships. I also see this in nightclubs and dance events; when others are in close proximity and there is no firm knowledge of Self (autonomy), then there is a natural diving into others that is in essence a giving away of the birthright of knowing wholeness. It often pleasurable, but it will always contain seeds of experiencing the separation the action comes out of. This is not a punishment, but a continual invitation to know Self.

The other side of it is common to those involved in spiritual quests, as I was:

When I was in my twenties, I was coming out of a very isolated and empty family. Because of the framework and pains I had accumulated through childhood, connections with others were painful, and I thought that heavy meditation was the answer. Eventually I would “get it” and find enlightenment. I was determined to find the wholeness in myself, so I would retreat into long meditations and avoid connections with others until I obtained this. Of course, the denial of the interconnection with others led to even more disconnections within. Depression continued and I thought that I must not be meditating hard enough. It took a lengthy trip to India to see that I was literally trying to cut off part of myself in order to find “wholeness”. This in itself was violence to myself, and it took me some time to recognize this. On my return from India, I immediately dived into a tumultuous and emotionally heavy relationship, which was necessary on my path to balance and knowing Self.

The ultimate expression of Love in this world, is seeing another as Self. This is not a theoretical statement, but a simple expression of the non-duality that is underlying all of life. If you look at the two forces described above, in fact the only way of harmonizing them without conflict is through this perceptional transformation. This is in fact what the root of the Hindi word “Namaste” is. I see that we are truly one, and I honor this unity.

You could think of a third force in addition to the two above, a neutral force. This is referred to as “the observer”, “the ether”, etc. It is a state of potential, of simply being and allowing. It provides the framework that lets harmonization occur, where “the observer becomes the observed”, as Krishnamurthi said.

So then, given this state of the universe, how do we experience this oneness? How do we know Self, and truly experience the joys of the interconnection with all aspects of life? According to Gandhi, “The ends are the means”. As superficial as it sounds, it is good to ask yourself how you would act if you knew the truths above in every aspect of your being. Would you still look for the same distractions? Would you not look in the eyes of those surrounding you in life? Would you still have the same short, shallow breath through much of your day that keeps you from experiencing what is actually going on in the present moment?

There is no substitute for experience, and the greatest lessons are always obtained by completely being present in life, without any escapes or attempts to be anywhere else but Here or Now. When disconnections have been built, it is of course natural that the first experiences would be painful, but this is nothing more than an awakening of awareness. And it is through awareness – being fully and utterly conscious of Self and others in their completeness – that Love is manifested on this Earth. Is this not what we all wish to bring?