Loving Awareness

I love you, you’re perfect, now change. Happy Valentines day!

Posted by matthew on February 18, 2008  |  781 Commenthttp://www.loving-awareness.org/2008/02/18/i-love-you-you%e2%80%99re-perfect-now-change-happy-valentines-day/I+love+you%2C+you%C3%A2%E2%82%AC%E2%84%A2re+perfect%2C+now+change.++Happy+Valentines+day%212008-02-18+16%3A56%3A38matthew

Happy (belated) Valentine’s day all! Sorry for the lack of posts, but I am going through my own transformations and there are times for silence as well. (I actually wrote this on Valentine’s day, but got around to posting it now)

For this writing, I’m going to focus on a particular dichotomy that is pretty universal amongst our relationships and in ourselves. This is the conflict apparent in the following two statements.

• I love you fully and completely.
• I really don’t accept ___ about you.

(one example for the latter might be “I don’t accept that you want to back away from any issue that may cause pain or conflict”)

Again, this is very common – in fact it’s the stereotypical “I love you, you’re perfect, now change!” motto. This isn’t a symptom of a neurotic mind; it is part of being human. The question is, how do we work with this instead of trying to be a romantic Jesus by denying what truly goes on?

As Walt Whitman wrote in “Song of Myself” : “Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes. ” Most of us recognize this in ourselves to some extent. Part of us wants to relax under the sun, and another part wants to fix up the home and do “valuable work”. So how to bring this unity into our lives?

Paradoxically, both within ourselves and in relationships, we always move towards a more loving direction when this contradiction and lack of acceptance is allowed and not resisted. It is by loving that we aren’t all-loving beings that creates the room for it. We’ve all heard that you cannot love another more than you love yourself. What I’m saying is you cannot love anything more than the permission that exists to not love it. This sounds complicated, but isn’t if you think of love as total and unconditional acceptance. It is a totality that includes its opposite.

In relationships, when there is no freedom to not accept parts of the other, then when this occurs (and it will occur, for we are not Buddha yet), it will remain silent and denied. This denial, like all denials, shows up as tension, lack of trust, maintaining an image of what loving behavior is, and so on. That disowned part of Self atrophies. It thinks: “If she really saw me for who I am, she’d see I don’t love her for who she is, and therefore she wouldn’t love me because what I profess to be is different from what I am.”

The above two statements occurred for me recently, and I voiced them. The effect was very freeing. By saying “I don’t accept ____ about you”, I was in effect saying I don’t love all of you yet, but I want to. Oh, how I did want to – but I wasn’t there yet. It created a space for both of us to be human, warts and all. The paradox again is that without that space, there’s no love anyway.

The problem with romance in our culture is that it is rarely a true and deep connection based on reality and the present moment. It’s a pie in the sky dream. We learn romance from Hollywood movies and high schools, where the ideal of love is more important than any real emotions occurring. It’s more important to strive for that ivory pedestal of an ideal relationship than to bring every bit of one’s Self forward to the relationship.

Unfortunately, there simply is no shortcut to truly loving with our whole being. And yet the paradox is that the love is already there. All the relationships I’ve been in, extremely dysfunctional ones included, have always had that deep love at the core of my being, connecting to their own deep love within them. We all already know about Love if we go deep enough inside ourselves; we’re only learning to bring it up through all the surface personality layers so we can live it.

It’s even more essential to give ourselves this inner space and freedom. We can think in terms of the law of attraction if we want; we can use affirmations; we can proclaim that we love ourselves unconditionally. But unless there is room for not loving ourselves – for the hate, non acceptance and harsh desires to be someone else – then there will not be love, for there is no room for it. This is of mindfulness – a space of simply watching what arises naturally, without any attempt for control or change. The essence of mindfulness is spaciousness.

I wrote this on Valentine’s day and it’s traditionally a time for romance. Let’s make it a time for love as well. Welcome all of your Self, and welcome all of whomever you interact with. It’s only when you welcome hatred – not to cultivate or flame, but simply in giving it mindful space – that we make room for love to work its magic on it. There’s always room for that.

True Rest

Posted by matthew on January 30, 2008  |  7720 Commentshttp://www.loving-awareness.org/2008/01/30/true-rest/True+Rest2008-01-30+18%3A28%3A18matthew

As I’ve mentioned briefly before, I’m basically disabled now with a strange illness, one that doctors (so far) cannot diagnose. I cannot walk more than a couple blocks, clean my place, do shopping, lengthy cooking, etc, without getting a disorientation that lasts for hours. This doesn’t mean I can’t do all those things, simply that there are consequences which mean that if I do, I won’t be able to concentrate, talk without some slurring, or walk in a straight line.

Far from being resentful about this state, it’s brought to the surface a huge amount of insights surrounding how I live my life. The latest insight, which brought many tears, was simply how I do not let myself rest. There’s a strange guilt and defensiveness about letting myself truly do nothing. Like many, I defined my value in terms of the value I bring to others and to the world. A certain amount of repose may be necessary to “recharge”, but it was something to get over with quickly so I could get back to what brought goodness to the world.

Slavery in our lives – Martin Luther King Jr day

Posted by matthew on January 21, 2008  |  7313 Commentshttp://www.loving-awareness.org/2008/01/21/slavery-in-our-lives-martin-luther-king-jr-day/Slavery+in+our+lives+-+Martin+Luther+King+Jr+day2008-01-22+04%3A03%3A43matthew

In the United States today is Martin Luther King day. This man, through the work of millions of other people, has come to symbolize human rights and a desire to end slavery’s legacy in all forms. He understood, as do others, that slavery still exists in different forms even now. It exists as institutions, it exists in economic forms, and exists in the minds of people. This last part is rarely mentioned.

So what is slavery?

To expand the idea of what slavery is to include both the world and internal states, I would redefine it as the following:

Slavery is the state of living with no perceivable choices.

What is enlightenment?

Posted by matthew on January 16, 2008  |  7016 Commentshttp://www.loving-awareness.org/2008/01/16/what-is-enlightenment/What+is+enlightenment%3F2008-01-17+03%3A28%3A18matthew

The following was a question received from Mary which is wonderful and brings a lot of common ideas out into the open:

Question: I’ve come across the topic of enlightenment so often lately that I’d like a clear perspective on it. I find the idea confusing because it seems to be a worthy aim for the spiritually focused, yet it is said that those who say they are enlightened are not, and others say that it is better to work for personal maturity rather than enlightenment. Others say that it’s no fun being enlightened, while others say it’s pure bliss. So what is it really? How to get there, what does an enlightened life look like in our here and now life?

The concept of enlightenment, I find with some humor, is one which is filled with much non-enlightened thought: that is, thought based in separation and “ego”. Firstly, the concept is a label for an experience decidedly without labels. It is an experience of utter freedom – but whatever thought you have of what enlightenment is will always be accumulated from others. It is again, something someone else tells you is a better way.

Knowing Self and knowing others.

Posted by matthew on November 15, 2007  |  549 Commentshttp://www.loving-awareness.org/2007/11/15/knowing-self-and-knowing-others/Knowing+Self+and+knowing+others.2007-11-16+04%3A20%3A26matthew

There is paradox in everything about the human experience. For instance, it is through giving we receive, and through receiving we give. It is the “unimportant” in our lives, such as stopping to breath under an unfolding oak tree, that gives importance to other activities. It is the “meaningless” connections in daily living, such as a hello at a checkout at the supermarket, that provides framework and meaning for the more intimate connections we have. These apparent paradoxes are not part of any cosmic game played on us, but rather a daily reminder of the wholeness and perfection of life. Each moment offers glimpses into this, often via these connections with others.

These connections with others are a foundational part of living. Without them, we would quite literally go insane or feel tormented, as those in solitary confinement in prison sometimes do. Exploring connections is hard wired into our bodies, and even when lives of relative isolation are lived, there will always be an element of this exploration.

Exploring longer term connections, the depth of them, is termed “a relationship”. We all have different preconceptions of what a relationship is – as many preconceptions as the word “love”. It is in longer term relationships that we meet the dichotomy between these preconceptions and what is head on. Conflict can be the natural result. We also see how much the ideal of “relationship” we have works within ourselves, for we can try to fit ourselves in a mold very easily in an attempt for intimacy. It is a dance with essentially the present moment, Now.

In this dance of intimacy, which can also be termed “knowing the Self”, I’ve identified two fundamental forces and motivations based in Love:

• Knowing Love through interconnection. This is the desire to know one’s wholeness and completion through seeing how fundamentally interconnected we are with others. We connect with others via sharing ideas, emotions, and space, and feel the joy that comes from this experience of oneness in whatever form it takes. It is a desire to fully experience the knowledge that you are not separate from anything in the universe.
• Knowing Love through autonomy. This is the desire to experience wholeness simply by being exactly who you are in this moment. In other words, it is the sure knowledge there is nothing lacking in you, and that nothing can be found in another that cannot be found in the Self. There is thus no empty need for connections with others. There is nothing you can “get” you cannot find already there, and so there is no need for any pretense in order to gain anything externally. All of the universe is within you.

These two forces sound diametrically in opposition. Most people place more emphasis on one than the other; some are focused on new experiences and connections at all costs, and yet others are about maintaining and building identity. Yet the paradox involved in all this is that they are not separate at all. Wholeness is found both in the universe and in the Self, without conflict. “As within, so without” was the maxim of the alchemists studying inner transformation. This has parallels to the psychological concept in Bowen family systems theory of differentiation. A healthy balance is obtained by a core self that is maintained in the midst of stress and deep connection. The oneness of the above concepts shows itself in the world through the fact that the depth of your connection with others is always equal to the depth of connection you have with your Self. Again, this is not theory, and it is not simply in the long term. It is a truism of every moment of your life. When you lose connection with Self, you may indeed feel “highs” of connection with others, which can feel as intense as opiates. But this connection always feels around the corner, not Now. This law of connection is itself an expression of the oneness of the universe.

Relationships are the most visible manifestation of this oneness. If a man feels inner lack, or emptiness inside from not being connected to Self, then it is common to seek someone in a relationship to fill this apparent void. He might even obsessively seek more and more connections with others, seeking to know wholeness through the eyes of many others. But because of the utter unity of inner relationship with the Self and outer relationships with others, this soon manifests as co-dependency, conflict or other “problems”, even in short term relationships. I also see this in nightclubs and dance events; when others are in close proximity and there is no firm knowledge of Self (autonomy), then there is a natural diving into others that is in essence a giving away of the birthright of knowing wholeness. It often pleasurable, but it will always contain seeds of experiencing the separation the action comes out of. This is not a punishment, but a continual invitation to know Self.

The other side of it is common to those involved in spiritual quests, as I was:

When I was in my twenties, I was coming out of a very isolated and empty family. Because of the framework and pains I had accumulated through childhood, connections with others were painful, and I thought that heavy meditation was the answer. Eventually I would “get it” and find enlightenment. I was determined to find the wholeness in myself, so I would retreat into long meditations and avoid connections with others until I obtained this. Of course, the denial of the interconnection with others led to even more disconnections within. Depression continued and I thought that I must not be meditating hard enough. It took a lengthy trip to India to see that I was literally trying to cut off part of myself in order to find “wholeness”. This in itself was violence to myself, and it took me some time to recognize this. On my return from India, I immediately dived into a tumultuous and emotionally heavy relationship, which was necessary on my path to balance and knowing Self.

The ultimate expression of Love in this world, is seeing another as Self. This is not a theoretical statement, but a simple expression of the non-duality that is underlying all of life. If you look at the two forces described above, in fact the only way of harmonizing them without conflict is through this perceptional transformation. This is in fact what the root of the Hindi word “Namaste” is. I see that we are truly one, and I honor this unity.

You could think of a third force in addition to the two above, a neutral force. This is referred to as “the observer”, “the ether”, etc. It is a state of potential, of simply being and allowing. It provides the framework that lets harmonization occur, where “the observer becomes the observed”, as Krishnamurthi said.

So then, given this state of the universe, how do we experience this oneness? How do we know Self, and truly experience the joys of the interconnection with all aspects of life? According to Gandhi, “The ends are the means”. As superficial as it sounds, it is good to ask yourself how you would act if you knew the truths above in every aspect of your being. Would you still look for the same distractions? Would you not look in the eyes of those surrounding you in life? Would you still have the same short, shallow breath through much of your day that keeps you from experiencing what is actually going on in the present moment?

There is no substitute for experience, and the greatest lessons are always obtained by completely being present in life, without any escapes or attempts to be anywhere else but Here or Now. When disconnections have been built, it is of course natural that the first experiences would be painful, but this is nothing more than an awakening of awareness. And it is through awareness – being fully and utterly conscious of Self and others in their completeness – that Love is manifested on this Earth. Is this not what we all wish to bring?