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Before you commit – bond

“He’s just afraid to commit“

How many times have you heard that kind of proclamation over your lifetime?  If you’re like me, you’ve probably heard it hundreds of times, and believed it for at least the first hundred.   I’ve also heard much about the “hook up culture” and with so many options, some people never want to have any commitment,  such as written in the blog post “This is How We Date Now”.

I’ve committed in a relationship (to monogamy and time) many times, most of the time because it just felt like ‘this is just how it’s done”.   This has been labelled the relationship escalator, where you unthinkingly take what you think is the natural next step.  I had little idea at the time of what makes a real, supportive, long lasting connection that involved deep intimacy, and so I just followed what I thought was the model that led to it (commitment), at least until I felt something wasn’t working.  Then I would often blame myself, thinking I was doing something wrong, trying to behave ‘better’ and trying to work with my emotions and act in a loving manner.  Needless to say, that didn’t work, and resentment inevitably built because of all the suppression I ended up doing.  

Looking back, I didn’t really know or specify wcommitmenthat I was committing to.  It usually worked out to: monogamy, spending my free time with my partner as a high priority, not acting (or feeling) other attractions, planning a future with them, vulnerability, unconditional trust, always valuing their thoughts and impulses, and behaving like they fulfilled all my needs.

Some of those commitments, of course were completely out of my control.  No one has complete control over what they feel.  Trust can be built, but committing to vulnerability no matter what is more of a set up to hurt – and possibly abuse.   Planning a future sounds great, but it only works out great if there is a common purpose agreed on and a continually developing connection.  And like I wrote describing how my current relationship developed, sometimes intimacy is developed by being honest about ‘negative’ things such as distrust and what we don’t appreciate, at least in a confessional, non-accusatory manner.  We’re human and we share the full human experience in a relationship.

What commitment often strives for – and paradoxically masks when forced – is the desire for that deep, uncompromising interconnection that we wouldn’t want to cut away.  When we have a real family, it lasts through thick and thin.  It doesn’t matter when there are highs or lows, appreciation or angers, pain or joy – there’s an inner knowingness that the connection is solid.  I call this bonding.   

Commitment vs. Bonding

Humans are naturally bonding animals.  We live in a social network and require it.  Left in complete isolation with nothing to form relationships to, as some prisoners are subjected to, humans can go insane.  Stable connections are absolutely necessary for our emotional regulation and well-being.  We bond to family, to friends, to pets, and even at times (sad, I know!) to our computers and cell phones.  It’s an organic process that can’t be rushed, because inside our brains it is a bottom-up process.  Our conscious, logical mind doesn’t say “hey, it’s time to commit to my mother” when we’re growing up.  It’s a fundamental process that is pre-conscious and instinctive.  Our adult needs for attachments aren’t precisely the same as a child’s, but they’re still there and almost as important.

Bonding is that slow, unrushed process of building trust and getting attached, so that person becomes not just a part of your life, but a part of your being.  It is there or it isn’t; you can’t consciously decide it.  Forcing it blocks it or makes it slower.  When you have a strong bond, you know it.  Your body relaxes in their presence, no matter what is going on.  You feel more and are more yourself, not less, because it’s a dynamic of trust and space, not a kind of relationship agreement with subtle rewards and punishments.  If they stop being in your life, you grieve profusely.  They are a part of you and you are a part of them.

Trying to commit before a solid bond exist is often a recipe for disaster.  It creates a fantasy bond instead of a real one.  I’ve done this a couple of times, mostly because I had no idea what a real bond was.  Our movies don’t know it and my family didn’t give any healthy examples.  I thought I was afraid to commit and thought that I should dive into it instead of running away.  Needless to say, this involved some lying to myself and hurt feelings when I couldn’t pretend anymore.

From Attachment Theory in psychology we know that there are many people in this society that are also in this boat, who didn’t have a reliable supportive bond in childhood.  Even those that did often had conditions attached, such as to “behave” and not get too angry.  Families make their own rules of taboo topics and emotions to keep stability, and this impacts our ability to make bonds, because a deep bond includes every bit of one’s self.  When we hide parts of ourselves away, we also say to the other “if you bring out that part of you, I may not stick around”.  Feelings cannot be felt selectively – it’s all or nothing.  Similarly, when you love and bond and wish it to be deep, it has to be all-inclusive.

How do I recognize a bond or one growing?

A healthy bond helps all involved.  It is the antithesis of a power relationship, where good behavior is rewarded and bad behavior is punished.  In fact, reward and punishment dynamics are one sign of an unhealthy connection, because they are a sign of pervasive distrust.  Bonding is all about trust.

So here are some qualities I’ve learned to watch for.

  • Relaxation and Comfort.  This is again, a bottom-up relaxation, where it’s your body itself communicating that being near your partner makes the world safer.  Sitting around doing nothing with your partner feels comfortable.
  • Freedom of Impulses: I’m using “impulses” as a generalized term for expression and action.  In other words, you feel free to allow any impulse of speech to just come out without controlling it much first.  Suddenly jumping into weird interpretive dance moves might be strange, but fine.  Expressing raw anger is also safe, because it’s not like shooting ammo.  There’s consideration and curiosity.  In other words, there’s a sense of play in the relationship.  Relaxation naturally flows into curiosity, exploration and expression.
  • Feeling more, not less: Being alive – fully alive and brimming with vitality – requires a good connection with the body and all its signals.  This is where emotional intelligence comes from.  A healthy bond creates more resources to be comfortable with a more varied emotional life, with greater tolerance of overall arousal in the body/mind system.  This can mean greater ease in dealing with the results of external challenges, such as entrepreneurship, but it can also mean the stability to look into unresolved past issues or traumas.  Thus a bond doesn’t always mean feeling good, but it does mean heading in an overall good direction.  This is particularly applicable to those with insecure styles of attachment.
  • A Stronger Core Sense of Self:   A good bond will always help you over time become more you.  Not the you that you think you ‘should’ be, but someone living authentically, with your inner world and outer persona in harmony.  This arises because when there is trust, freedom, and connection, a sense of spiritual curiosity arises too, akin to Maslow’s concept of self-actualization. There is no limit to the discoveries of who your partner is or who you are.  When there’s mutual curiosity in exploring the connection and a willingness to go together into anxieties and past influences, self awareness is the result.  
  • Play:  Ok, this really is saying “free impulses” again.  But it’s so damn important it’s worth mentioning again.  If you can’t have playful interactions on a regular basis, then something likely doesn’t feel safe.   Play is part of how we learn, how we connect, and what makes us happy.  The particulars of what play looks like is different for everyone, but it damn well better be there if you want a happy, intimate, stable relationship that lets you grow together.  

It shouldn’t be surprising that all these signs are also signs of a healthy child.  After all, if you can never act like a child within a relationship, you’re watching yourself all the time.  What fun is that?  

Cultivating qualities like the above I’ve always found grows incrementally, in little steps.  It’s also paired with the freedom to be honest about not being there yet.  After three years, I’m far from living the above ideals all the time.  I might say “My body isn’t yet totally relaxed around you” or “I’m cautious about showing pain around you now”.  Pain and anger are often tough to develop trust and listening around, which for me is  the sense that neither venting nor taking it personally will occur on either side.  I might suggest going to an Improv class together if there’s not enough silliness.  But the open discussions in a non-blaming way around what qualities are not present is of absolute importance in developing free communication.    How can you completely relax in someone’s arms if you can’t trust them to listen when you tell them to piss off with a gentle smile?

Wait for bonding before committing

Sometimes bonding takes time.  Years – especially in our stressed society with little unplanned meetings and play.  Mistakes need to be made and repaired.  There can be a great deal of social pressure to make commitments before a real bond is formed.  Even the introducing someone to a boyfriend or girlfriend has certain commitments implied.  It takes courage to be honest about wanting to be sure and admitting what the actual bond is like instead of pretending a Hollywood story.

But commitment isn’t always the big “C” Commitment.  There are many small commitments that can build trust, respect, and set the stage for real bonding to grow.  Gentle honesty about all emotions can be a good one.  Consciously not trying to pressure the other into any decision, and apologizing if it happens unconsciously, can be another.  These kind of commitments can be soft, not hard.  In other words, they’re a statement of intention and not an excuse to jump into distrust, incrimination and feelings of betrayal when someone doesn’t live up to the ideal.   Little commitments grow into bigger ones as the foundation of trust they’ve built becomes solid. 

Here are some of the commitments I’ve made with my partner:

  • I will be open with you about everything in my life that affects you significantly, while maintaining some healthy privacy.
  • I will do my best to never repress anything in myself to smooth things over or tell white lies to you.  [Note:  this includes not repressing honestly felt attraction to others or when feel frustration or distrust]
  • If one of us notices that some habits could be arising from fear (e.g., the terror of losing the other), we’ll bring it up instead of starting any walking-on-eggshell behavior.  Regular time speaking in a meditative, unrushed fashion helps.
  • I will always try to consider what the effect of my actions will be on you and have that affect, but not control, my decision.  
  • If I notice habits of interaction growing between us, like a rut that could remove spice in our relationship, I will do something strange to shake things up a bit while doing my best to be kind.    
  • I will actively be curious about you, listen to verbal and non-verbal signals, and try and give space for you to be more you.  But I will also be clear when I’m unable to do that in a moment.  Nothing should be forced.
  • I will make sure there is a good amount of quality, unrushed time with you each week, while making sure I’m also getting enough alone time.  I want to spend time with you because I want to spend time with you, not because it’s a habit or an obligation.

This list grew over time, with introspection, and with little overt pressure from either side.  Bonding and trust grew incrementally, not magically, and took years.    Little commitments like these are more support for a real bond and a recognition of the bond that has grown.  The bond has grown precisely because I have been honest and not repressed any major part of myself to fit in the relationship, even the parts of myself that hate being tied down.  I would not have had this level of bonding without the freedom to explore that most standard commitments imply.  

No relationship ever looks the same, but I believe for everyone that trust and bonding is built over time, organically, and every time it is forced it starts to die in that moment.  The human spirit is ever desirous of deep connections, but also loathes cages of any kind.  Too often we think to have a deep connection we need the cage, and thus our society’s version of early commitment was born.   It takes a trust in human nature, including one’s own, to go beyond this.  The desire for freedom, expressing truth, and non-suppression is not anathema to a long soul connection, it is fuel for it.   For how can you bond deeply with another without bringing every last bit of your soul, even the parts that fly free?

February 20th, 2016|Intimacy, relationships|1 Comment
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Celebrating the Grey Area in Relationships

 

“Think about this for a moment: Why would you ever choose to be with someone who is not excited to be with you?

 

So starts a popular blog post here giving relationship advice.  Why would you want to be with someone who isn’t enraptured by you?  And why would you choose to be with someone you don’t think is the best person ever?  If someone is good enough for you, you should feel a “Fuck YES!” feeling.  And they should feel likewise about you.

Such posts are very popular on the web because they are simple, easily understood, and can be a temporary boost to the esteem for both those not in a relationship because they are holding out for Mr. Right and those with low esteem in a relationship that is going nowhere, perhaps prompting them to end it.

I’m all for a boost in esteem, but one thing I am absolutely not for is all-or-nothing thinking.  You know the Bush-like thinking – you’re either for me or against me.  You’re either perfect or you’re out of here.  There’s no discernment, nor is there the introspection of what makes someone feel like a good match.

How often are your emotions completely and wholeheartedly unanimous before really getting to know someone?   It doesn’t happen, unless you’re extremely unusually healthy and in complete inner harmony – or you’re in denial.   Denial is far more common than completely healthy childhoods.  We don’t want to wait any longer, so we decide this person is THE ONE and shove any contrary thought to the pit of our stomach.  Where it says until the first big disappointment.

Getting to know someone, whether as close friends or lovers, is a gradual process of building trust, testing the waters with ever increasing vulnerability and emotional risk, then seeing the result.  Is this personal worth your trust and investment?   There are many areas of trust to build:  Keeping one’s word.  Sensitivity.  Listening skills.  Adaptability.  Empathy.  Humor.  Sex.  Reactivity.  Can they give space?   Is there ever a price to pay for doing something you need?   Do they need you to be a certain person for them or do they really want to find out who you are?

Too often, relationships start because both parties feel “good”, which we translate to meaning love.  We don’t understand the reasons why – and for good reason.  It’s not a rational, logical process.  One wonderful Jungian book “The Eden Project” calls it a search for The Magical Other.  We think we’ve found someone who completes us, while trying to not see that we may feel good for non-healthy reasons, such as familiar family dynamics or someone who helps us avoid uncomfortable parts of ourselves.  Part of the journey is to realize that the Magical Other, which might later turn into the Enemy Other, is actually just representing a part of ourself we haven’t welcomed yet.  But I digress.  There is another option to wanting to find the perfect person and place them on a pedestal until they fall off.

Intimacy is not a blind commitment.   Bonding to another human being is not a Romeo and Juliet moment, realizing at first glance you want to spend the rest of your life together or die.

For most of us in this overstressed, f*cked up society, we have plenty of childhood issues, among them:   Lack of reliable connection.  Attachment issues.  Difficulty trusting.   Barriers to intimacy.  Anxieties.  Hurts.   Limited ways of expressing emotions, and feeling we can’t be connected to others through some emotions.

Most of have parts of ourselves that we think “why would anyone want to connect to THIS?”   And so we launch ourselves into relationships where the other doesn’t immediately see those parts – at least until the honeymoon period is over

All those are negative emotions which would mean you wouldn’t feel “Fuck yes!”.   You’d feel at best hesitation, a feeling of “what am I getting into here?”.   But that is what vulnerability involves.    And you can’t have long term bonding without vulnerability.

My Own Story

Let’s take myself as an example.  I came from an extremely distant family with no reliable connection and support available.  My father and brother have Asperger’s syndrome, while my mother had Borderline Personality.  I’m the “normal” one.  No one in my family really knew how to have friends or even to give empathy.  As a result, you could say I had attachment issues, among others.  (I have C-PTSD from my childhood)   This doesn’t mean I didn’t want deep and intimate connections – it simply meant there were a lot of emotions to go through before real bonding occurred.

I have never, ever in my life felt a true “Fuck Yes!”.  The people I’ve previously gotten involved with were often people that I felt something strong, and thought “hey, this is intense – it must be love”.  I wanted love and longed for deeper connections, so I would fool myself.   I would then think I needed to commit and dive into the relationship to get some sort of secure commitment back.  In other words, I would act like I felt “Fuck Yes”, partly because I wished I would feel that, partly out of fear of abandonment or being rejected, but also because that was what was expected. The people I got involved with were usually those that could withdraw from connection suddenly if something felt bad, which I was highly attuned to.  When they didn’t feel “Fuck Yes!”, they were out of there, at least for the evening, so I felt after time I was walking on eggshells trying to have a reliable connection.  I took in a message from them: I will not connect with you unless act like the Mr Perfect I want.

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This is obviously not love, but with an oversimplified, all-or-nothing thought process this was what I created.  So I changed how I approached relationships.

Building a Healthy Relationship

With Kirsten, my wonderful partner now, I tried to bring everything I felt.  I brought my doubts and fears and allowed them to be visible.  I let myself be tentative instead of pushing fears aside and diving in.  I brought that I liked her and distrusted her at the same time – because in my family, there was always an agenda for being warm.  For months, I would ask her “what do you want?” with suspicion at her warmness.   We wouldn’t actually fall asleep together and I would never sleep over at her place.  She would learn later that this was because I get panic attacks in someone else’s bed, but of course initially she took it a little personally.  She distanced a little and learned to let go of expectations regarding me.   I was seeing another person at the same time, so that added to the feeling of instability given where we were at.   In some ways, she was ready for the relationship to end at any moment, but was also willing to see where it led.

Despite the negative emotions I had, there were of course also other signals that I liked her a lot and was letting her in; she wasn’t sticking with me because of any lack of self esteem.  I would communicate as best as I could what was going on with me, what PTSD was, and what I thought I needed.  I add “I thought” in there because like most people, I don’t think I really knew what was needed, because I’d never received it.

Yet the relationship grew.  Kirsten once said that every time she really let go of an expectation regarding me, I responded positively and we grew closer.  I didn’t fit the norm of relationships, but really wanted to be in a close, connected relationship.  So when there was room for more of me to be welcomed, I stepped forward.  I wasn’t trying to be her Mr. Right, but I was being more me when close to her, and she found she could be more herself as well.  We weren’t trying to be anything for each other.

I know most people don’t have PTSD, but I haven’t met anyone who has had an idyllic childhood.  Given the lack of family connectedness, stress levels, overwork, and confusion of discipline with love, some form of attachment or anxiety issue is the norm rather than an exception.  So while my experience may be more extreme than most, I think it serves an example.  Rather than saying “I will hold out for someone perfect”, we started out by being imperfect and finding in a gradual, struggling pace a way to connect through that.

We all know what the honeymoon period is.  It’s the months that you are able to stay in the zone of not being able to show your imperfections.  Inevitably that collapses – and it’s rare to find two people in a relationship that are coming down from that high truly want to see the others (and their own) imperfections.  We didn’t have a honeymoon period.  The first 5 months were a real struggle, constantly wondering if it would end.  Would the other person truly want to be with me as I am?  The transition happened when I had an emotional meltdown, bawling for close to an hour straight, where for the first time she saw me in a raw state how I had never received unconditional support in my life, and so saw more the visceral source of my suspicions and distrust.  Is this really unusual for men in this world, where you’re always supposed to have it together and you’re rewarded for achievement and success?

We’ve been together 18 months now and this is by far the best relationship I’ve been in.  I love her more than I thought possible – and my idea of what love is has changed along the way.  It’s not a feeling, but a dynamic deep seated curiosity about the other.  We want each other to be themselves, so are automatically giving space and asking questions, doing weird and quirky things to bring it out.  No matter what she’s feeling, even if it were rage at me, I would unflinchingly want to hear it.  Part of that is the trust we’ve built, because we know there’s nothing in each other that wants to hurt the other.

We also are committed to not taking emotional responsibility for each other.  It’s not either of our jobs to make another feel better.  We will be connected to each other no matter what either of us is feeling, and bad days are not failure, so they are no big deal.  We both want to learn to be more ourselves – and there’s nothing better than seeing the Self reflected in another’s clear eyes to seeing this.

I am so, so, SO grateful for her for sticking with me when I struggled with showing more of myself.  We would never have developed the bond we did if I refrained from showing my hesitation about getting close – or my hurt emotions during the times when she was showing warmth without a hidden agenda.

So the idea of a “Fuck Yes!” rule to me is internet trash at best.  No psychologist would ever buy into something so oversimplified.   True intimacy is scary – you have to risk a lot to get there.  You have to gradually bare yourself, including all the self-protections we have, and learn to embrace our own contradictions, our own desires and fears at the same time.  We’re taught to distance ourselves when things feel bad.  We avoid pain.  But my story is an example of what happens when two people decide against the love illusion, against the waiting for Mr or Mrs Perfect and just say let’s connect as we are.  And the result?  This is the first time in my life that I’ve felt I want to grow old with someone.  The relationship feels built on foundations where we can grow and change and by doing that, get closer instead of further apart.

 

 

PS.  Before I posted this, I showed it to her and her response was “well, actually I was feeling a Fuck Yes about you throughout all those first few months”.  Go figure.  Maybe she should see someone about that.

September 23rd, 2014|black and white thinking, relationships|4 Comments
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