I ‘should’ heal and grow.

I’m in my own process now, getting physically sicker, and wondering why there’s no shifting in this. This led to the following channeled question which I think is rather universal, so I’m posting it here.

Question: I am really frustrated at my progress towards inner peace and balance. Why is this not ‘working’? What am I not doing or doing to sabotage myself? It’s all very well hearing and writing about my own wholeness, but it seems that no matter what I do, I feel more disconnection with my self and others, more pain, more isolation. What good is inner work and channeling if it doesn’t actually produce positive change? Please feel free to tell me ‘as it is’, without walking around anything that I might be afraid to look at. I want to know.

You have asked us to tell you things ‘as it is’, or as you are, without dancing around the topic. We understand that you value expression. You value Truth in expression. We will attempt to bring you that now.

You have asked what you are doing wrong or not doing, or doing to sabotage yourself. As much as you desire change, understand it is because you think you ‘should‘. This desire for change, then, you have allowed to come to you from an external source rather that from inside yourself. In other words, true change will not occur for you unless and until you are connected to your inner Self and the desire to change comes from there.

Now we can tell you reasons why you have allowed this external ‘should’ to come in. But understand that you do not have a desire to connect with that inner Self except with that desire that comes to you via this external ‘should’. In other words, until you drop the external ‘should’, change will not occur at the rate at which you think you ‘should’ have it. Now, ironically, once you are able to drop this external ‘should’ and become connected with your inner self, you will likely not feel the need for change, for you will likely already have what you want. So we would suggest looking at your pattern of external influences and determining you are going to continue to accept them. Once you drop them, if you should choose to, all that will be left will be that inner core of yourself. If, however, you choose to remain immersed in these external influences you have allowed to accumulate outside of you, you will always feel there is an inner emptiness. Now, are there any questions.

That is, as we said, ‘as we see it’. However, we understand it is not easy to get there. It is one thing for us to say drop the external influences, but when you are mired within them, that is all you could see. Now, you could manifest within yourself a very dramatic way to drop the external influences. This could look like insanity to others. It could be extremely painful. It could be part of a ‘near death’ experience. Any other really dramatic shift is likely to have that effect. So you must ask yourself: is that what you want? And in the asking, ask yourself also what are the influences telling me what I ‘should’ want?

Aside from a dramatic shift such as we described, you could also examine every one of these influences that you already know about, travel with each one back to the source and allow yourself to let it dissipate, for you know you don’t need it. You must however, believe this can happen. If you believe you are nothing but what others think that you are, then you will be that. You have the power to choose what you are and who you are, and who you are not.

This was enormously helpful to me, because knowing my own blocks is just as important as knowing my own light. Like many people, my identity was largely constructed from others: how others looked at me, what part of me was loved, what was not accepted, what was painful, what was joyful, how I needed to act to gain acceptance. And all of these things are externals. Even my desires, such as for wholeness, can be things I think I should want. That’s the legacy of our advertising-based culture.

In this time of enforced inactivity called illness, I really can’t give to others as much as I used to. I can’t earn a living, I can’t help around the house much, I can’t think that clearly much of the time, and I even can’t do energy work without a reaction. It’s brought up a lot of self-hatred and confusion about my identity – because in some ways I perceived I needed to do all these things in order to be lovable. But looking at all my self-hatred now, I see that without exception, every hatred I have is because I perceive something (in myself or others) that is different from how I think it should be. And all of those “should”s came from somewhere outside myself. Every last one.

Most people in this culture, I’ve gradually perceived, have little awareness when there is a connection to this deep inner presence called “Self”. It takes time and space to allow this connection. There is no quick answer, no quick solution to becoming who you are. Any attempt to make it a quick solution is always because of another “should”. But there is no way to find inner peace and balance without this connection, however long it takes.

And so my journey (and yours) goes on…


  1. Daniel Escribens March 5, 2008 at 1:11 pm

    I enjoyed this post. For some odd reason, the saying: “no matter where you go, there you are,” comes into my head. I gues it’s because you are you, pure self you, without fake shoulds and stuff, all of the time.

    • tremor March 5, 2008 at 3:04 pm

      Yes, I totally agree. There I am. There you are. Which is so utterly simple that we find it so hard to understand. The paradox is that so many people who write healing or spiritually based topics are doing it because of ‘shoulds’. Which isn’t to say that I wouldn’t be doing it if I had no ‘shoulds’, because this type of perception is very much a part of my Self. It would be the same, but very different. Like chopping wood.

  2. Self hatred has played such a strong part in my life and in my healing. Healing from the self hatred is an ongoing process for me. I find it less in my life today and occasionally I do find a new pocket of self hatred that needs to be acknowledged and then released. I am still learning the lessons involved in holding on to self hatred.

    I have missed you and been wondering about your health and haven’t taken the time to reach out and ask how you are.


    • tremor March 6, 2008 at 10:35 am

      My health unfortunately is definitely not improving – I think what I have is a Arnold-Chiari Malformation. Which is good to get a name, but I need an MRI and possibly an operation depending on what the neurologist says. In the meantime there’s not much I can do! The Canadian health care system covers it, but that doesn’t mean it’s fast.

  3. Vitor - The Fractal Forest March 6, 2008 at 5:06 pm

    I totally agree with the “should” part. Every should is something we feel we must do to be valuable, worthy, whatever. What I’ve discovered, though, is that changing the “should” to a “can” creates a tremendous shift:

    “I should heal and grow” is a depressive and pressured way of trying to reach an imaginary standard.

    “I can heal and grow” is an incredible affirmation to life, to existence and to the divine spirit within us. It’s about choice, about creation… Very liberating!

  4. Mari Lynn March 8, 2008 at 4:48 am

    First of all, I can say that I too, share some of the challenges the author wrote about re: inactivity, not able to work and so on, my issue is a bad back. I've had alot of stuff come up re: what this means and I could go on and on about that. The striking thing I get is false personality/ego is rearing its ugly head, it feels threatened, and doesn't want to be forgotten about.

    You may have heard about Oprah's big endorsement of and pairing up with best-selling author Eckhart Tolle on his book "The New Earth". Much in that book's description of ego is aptly descriptive of what is mentioned above here, specifically "the shoulds" that plague us. I am re-reading this book and gaining much insight as to how my "shoulds" reveal the areas in my life most run by false personality. Its a reminder for me to let go, surrender to Spirit and allow a greater Self to emerge!

    Thanks for this article!
    Mari Lynn

    • tremor March 8, 2008 at 12:28 pm

      Yes, a bad back has been a part of this illness; chronic tensions in my body. Eckhart Tolle is wonderful for putting it down in terms of utmost simplicity. That kind of simplicity washes away all the subtle justifications and blocks in perception that makes ego and false personality. I don’t watch TV, but I love the book. 🙂


  5. Mario March 8, 2008 at 12:12 pm

    I think this is what ‘enlightment’ aims for! 🙂


  6. Mimi March 20, 2008 at 8:56 am

    Thanks so much for sharing your journey with the Michael group. I was touched by the channeling you post here, and an old saying came to mind: we teach what we need most to learn.

  7. Rosemary March 20, 2008 at 9:42 am

    Thank you for sharing your situation. I have similar issues with my own acceptance (goal). I’ve become more aware how much my perceptions of myself color and limit my relationships with others. If I don’t see myself as lovable, how can I express lovingness in my relationships? It can be challenging to release my automatic reactions and begin to ponder the source of those reactions.

    • tremor March 20, 2008 at 1:19 pm

      In the Michael Teachings, there is a motto that “All is Choice”. What is less expressed is that consciousness is nothing more than awareness of all the infinite choices available. We limit our choices. When we do this, it’s neither accepting or loving. The idea of “should” is a quite obvious manifestation of this limitation of choices!

  8. Linda Dragas March 20, 2008 at 10:49 am

    Thank you for sharing this part of your journey. I fully understand and relate. I hate that you are going through so much pain and distress related to your physical issues, and get on so many levels the battle that can come up regarding these issues. I’ve been dealing with similar issues for 11 years and have received much benefit for it, overall. I was a very active mother of 5 and into fitness, health, etc. and didn’t get where this was all coming from. Definitely facing our “shoulds” is an ongoing battle, and I have my task companion to thank for helping me tremedously with that (although there is always another thread to look at, but at least it has a much less hold on me). Aaron Christeaan, in a channeling, told me years ago to go against my intuition and to allow myself to flow into or relax into the pain, rather than fight it, especially when it was out of control. Yeah, right…, but it did help and now that I am not in that kind of daily pain, it really works well. It’s along the line of when a person is in labor and it’s more useful to relax into it, rather than to fight it, which eventually lowers the perception of the pain, and makes it more manageable. So, that concept helped tremendously with the emotional, intellectual, and spiritual pain that came with the infirmery, too. I had such a hard time just staying with a few moments of meditation for a while because the pain was so intrusive. It was so hard not being able to take care of my family and to let people feed me, etc., but we all grew through it. I am grateful for it, now, especially because it allowed me the opportunity to spend a lot of time with my husband before he passed. I still don’t like pain, so that part isn’t cool, but it is what it is. Take care Tremor.

    • tremor March 20, 2008 at 1:16 pm

      I’ve had lots of pain (lower back pain), and it is indeed a struggle. Right now I’m not facing a huge amount of pain, mostly a dizziness. But surrendering to the moment takes a lot of surrender. It sounds easy, but the trust in the universe it requires is immense. How is that trust generated? Mainly through experience. The pain screams “we need more protection, more control” and the voice asking for trust and surrender is a quiet whisper, but always there.

  9. Jennifer Mannion March 20, 2008 at 4:19 pm

    Tremor, I don’t know if you have come across my blog before but I have healed myself of several chronic illnesses including Ehlers Danlos, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Mono and more…. I would welcome you to visit my post on Alex Blackwell’s site to learn more about how I healed myself (a VERY abbreviated version) http://www.thenext45years.com/2008/02/self-healing-using-the-law-of-attraction.html
    If these means resonate with you I would be happy to share my ebook with you free of charge. I had chronic pain for 6 years, I was dizzy, passing out, vomiting, and I know it may seems impossible to get past it but you CAN do it. Maybe not completely like me but you can learn techniques to control and better manage it. Please let me know if I could help. The pain is yelling for you to pay attention to other issues going on and if you listen close enough you may be able to figure out JUST what those issues are. Forgiveness, blame, anger, lack of self-love, fear….. I relived a lot of my demons while healing but am now pain and pain pill free for 15 months, have tons of coping techniques and it is my passion to help others heal from within as well. I wish you all the best. Love, Jenny

  10. Tait(Your Loving Self) April 27, 2008 at 6:00 am

    This is the enlightenment truly meant for the grasping! Sharing, Loving, Growing, Being! Always Showing others and learning about yourself! Great Blog!

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