13 01, 2008

What is healing, exactly?

January 13th, 2008|black and white thinking, channeling, choices, love, Self, spirituality, suffering, transformation|14 Comments

Much of my exploration of love and spirituality has come directly from my own healing journey. I, like seemingly everyone, have had wounds from childhood that influence me seemingly all the time. In addition, I’ve had many physical maladies manifesting something going wrong internally. Right now I’m in a state of being unable to work or be active physically, because I get disoriented for hours if I do anything. Including getting groceries and household cleaning. Rather than getting disheartened, I’m using this for the gift that it is to do some inner household cleaning.

To honor this, I thought I’d share some channeling surrounding what healing actually is. Any similarities to actual persons in the examples are 100% not an accident. Nothing is!

On to the channeling…

Questions: What exactly is healing? How does one “do it”? It seems like a lot of times we think of healing as “getting over it”.

When we use the word ‘heal’ or ‘healing’, we are talking about allowing something to revert or assume its natural state. Most of you go through your lives with some part of you either physically or emotionally in a other than natural state. This creates conflicts and imbalances which allow you further opportunity for learning and growth. Healing, then, allows those parts of you to revert to their ‘normal’ state: A state of rest, a state without conflict, a state of peace.

2 12, 2007

Emotions as beauty itself

December 2nd, 2007|emotions, life, love, pain, transformation|15 Comments

For this post, I’ll include more of my personal journey: that of dealing with emotions. I’ve always been someone who has had had very intense emotions to deal with, especially those related to my past sexual abuse. Because of this, many emotions have come at any and all times, without apparent ‘reason’: at work, in relationships, light social times, and with family. Without any visible reason or sense, at least in the immediate context, it’s easy to hold judgment about strong emotions in our culture. It can appear to make others uncomfortable.

This isn’t particular to sexual abuse; it is quite common to anyone sensitive and emotionally open, dealing with pain in any way. Emotions are emotions. They don’t make sense. If they did, they would be thoughts, not emotions. The heart has reasons the mind knows not of, and never will. Our need to make sense greatly depends on how allowing we are of the emotion. A grand sense of joy flittering like butterflies across our hearts when we see, for example, kittens playing with string for the first time, won’t require much sense. And yet, when it comes to ‘negative emotions’, such as pain, fear, anger, self-hatred, or a mix of them that could be called inner conflict, we often simply don’t allow them to come forward as naturally. We want reasons, explanations, labels, and hopefully a way to protect ourselves against them appearing again. This is the illusion of control reasons give us.

To me, how this manifested was a desire to expunge all the emotions. They obviously caused problems, so it made sense to want to get rid of them. I thought of them as a water well containing nothing but poison stored there from all the past pains in my life. So I tried to ‘get it out’ as much as possible, whether it be via counseling, venting, punching pillows, or even meditation and trying to transform myself in that manner. Eventually, things would be ‘clear’ and I would be more ‘balanced’. Of course, things didn’t work that way, because implicit in all these actions was a fundamental lack of love for those emotions â???? which creates even more negative emotions to vent. The perception that there was something wrong with me created more problems. The never-ending process continued. Thinking there was something wrong with me because I had pain simply created more pain.

A different way of looking at them instead is what was channeled to me recently.

At this time, perhaps you would like to think of your emotions, instead of something you need to get out and express, think of them as art, as a creation that you are constantly perfecting. They’re not finished yet, but you see their beauty in whatever state of creation they are in. You don’t need to share it even, because they are so beautiful. Bring this creation, all the beautiful colors that you know, and all the love you have inside you, for you love this creation. It is the most beautiful creation you have ever made, and you derive great satisfaction from the process of creating it. Take your time. Use visuals if that helps. Look around you. Find elements of what you see that perhaps might be included in this creation of yours. You will know it when you see it – anything that needs to be included. Have fun with this process, for it is yours. It is the first thing that’s truly belonged to you.

This brought up much tears in me, because it went to the heart of who I am: an expressive person with an intense of love of beauty and art. And if I do not see myself as a work of art, then of course there will be a lack of love for Self. Corresponding to this was indeed a visual image of moving and surreal color, much like the movie ‘What Dreams May Come.’ We see art and beauty in Van Gogh, Dali, or other artists who express darkness or ‘craziness’. After all, it’s on the page and there are skills involved. However, there is an implicit dismissal of the skill involved in simply allowing emotions to come to fruition and expressiveness in this society. There is tremendous skill in this. We see this in movies, on the stage, of an actor being very true with emotions, but it is easy to discount this in ourselves. This is not the same as being able to pick the right words and expression of them. It lies simply in being those emotions, in allowing them fully.



As I reach new levels of allowing of my emotions, I’m encountering vastly new perceptions of my life and my past, and even hidden memories. Finally remembering who crawled into my bed at night, the helplessness, shame, impotent kicking, and a split of consciousness that persisted into adulthood. There are, of course, many emotions connected to this journey, much like any prisoner might feel after coming into sunlight after thinking a cell block was home for many years. There is frustration, there is helplessness, and yes, there is self-hatred. I’m finding this isn’t a contradiction in any way to loving myself. It has its own beauty; a disconnected aspect of myself that’s screaming from years of being walled away. There is beauty in goth designs, and there is intense beauty in these emotions as well. They are a valid journey home.

Love, especially for ourselves, isn’t a thing or something to gain, or anything to ingrain into our minds through writing a million affirmations or reading thousands of blogs. It’s a perception – an awareness. Shifting how we look at something, especially ourselves, creates transformations. In fact, every transformation is precisely a change in perception. There is nothing but this, because there is perfection in everything, including intense pain. In the case of emotions, my experiences have created a subtle yet powerful difference in my experience in them. There is wonder in these emotions, simply as an expression of what is. The simply perception of beauty in utter vividness is, in the present moment, more loving than a thousand affirmations.


28 08, 2007

beliefs … a new perspective

August 28th, 2007|allowing, beliefs, bigness, emotions, love, positivity, transformation, wholeness|0 Comments

More material to be in the book “Loving Awareness”.

In the self-help community, there is much emphasis on how you need to change your beliefs to change your life.? “Change your thoughts, change your life!” is a maxim of Wayne Dyer.? ?Beliefs are how we interpret the world – every one of our experiences is filtered through our beliefs.? This is why ten different people coming from different backgrounds can have fundamental differences of interpretation of the same event – the jury system in the courts gives regular examples of this!? So changing beliefs can indeed have a powerful impact on lives.? However, most people think of a belief simply as a pattern of thoughts, and it is far more than this.? So what are beliefs, if we look deeply at them?


In the western cultural framework, we tend to think everything is intellectual.? We’re a society that usually values intellect above all.? So when we talk about “mind” we generally refer only to thoughts and leave the emotions and the body divorced from the equation.? Not so in many oriental traditions.? The word “mind” in those cultures encompasses all of the mental, emotional, and physical parts of ourselves. ?From these perspectives, we are a fully integrated system, with every part of ourselves affecting any other.? When there is recognition of this, there is more possibility of transformative changes occurring within ourselves.? Thinking it is only our thoughts that affect us and denying the real effect the body and the emotions have upon our thoughts and each other can easily lead to mind games, with no changes resulting, and thinking that all that it is needed is more effort in doing the same thing that hasn’t worked in the past.?


Now, on this expanded field of who we are, beliefs exists everywhere in who we are, even outside thoughts.? In a real way, they are analogous to habits â???? a pattern that repeats in how we process information .? I liken them to rivers across the continent that is the Self.? Over time, trenches and canals appear that are the result of the water flowing in a certain pattern.? There is then a tendency to continue on the same course (whether in thoughts, body movements, or emotions), but any of them can be changed with consistent effort.? If dams have been constructed, blocking the flow, there will be alternate ways things flows.? Many of these can cause more harm than good, of course, but our bodies are quite adaptable – within reason.? There’s actually a lot of similarities between the “flows” of our emotions, thoughts, and body processes.? For instance, an emotional memory might cause someone to feel anger and disappointment when someone doesn’t look them in the eye.? This “gut reaction” occurs without thought.? Similarly, a sound of a traffic accident might cause adrenaline in someone and they’d jump up to run outside, without thought or much emotion.?

Because we’re a complete system, it’s all interrelated.? For example, a man may have fixed thoughts about how a woman “should behave” in a relationship.? These thoughts may be a protective layer around a core pain in the body relating to abuse by a mother-figure in childhood; in this abuse there would be both emotional pain and body memories.? Now, trying to change the thought patterns of this man will likely run up against a brick wall because it’s only addressing thoughts.? This wall of course, is perfect â???? the thoughts are self-protective, and there is definitely pain that needs protecting, for it isn’t appropriate to bring up just anywhere or with anyone.? This isn’t to say changing thoughts is pointless; it creates ripples which may create a domino effect in other parts of the system.? But thoughts aren’t the master control of it all, especially when there’s not much consciousness in them.? We’re a great tapestry of interweaving energies we call thoughts, emotions, and matter, and we become more adaptable and powerful when we work with this whole, rather than a smaller part of ourselves.


So then how to do this work in this quagmire?? The answer – which will be familiar to regular readers – is via allowing.? We’re not like machines that break and then require a mechanic to go in and fix. We’re constantly healing and balancing simply by being who we are, in every moment of every day.? Most alternative healing recognizes this and tries to support the body’s natural strength instead of imposing harsh chemicals, for example.? If everything’s out on the table – and everything includes thoughts, emotions, and the body â???? it’s quite a change provoking event in itself.? Anyone who’s been a witness to a person being deeply vulnerable cannot help but be affected by the experience.? Once the full wholeness of self is brought forward, there is a space of creation in that present moment that literally enables new worlds to be created.? These are worlds forced on your body by ramming affirmations inwardly; this is a process of mutual creation, and thus, a process of Love.


To put this in action, here’s an exercise I wrote:




This exercise is about being big about whatever process is going on in the moment, in ways that encompass the physical, intellectual, and emotional aspects of ourselves.? To be precise about being big, here is my definition:


Being big is about bringing the full totality of who you are to the world.? It has nothing to do with being loud, or pushing others, or speaking inspired thoughts.? You can be big no matter what your experiences in the present moment are.


For instance, someone desperately angry might be very loud and attempt others to change.? They would feel small to others, because they are not showing vulnerability about where this emotion is coming from.? On the other hand, others might be feeling worthless, full of condemning thoughts and not feel like they deserve to take any space around them.? They might be very shy and quiet.? Bringing that forward, in its totality, without any apology or protective face, would be big.? They might tell others they need to express this, then crawl into a corner, crunch themselves into fetal position, and mumble the thoughts they are having.? So long as they bring the full totality of who they are â???? which includes the knowing that this is only an experience and not defining in any way – they are big.? They are showing they are bigger than their own experience.? This is vastness.


So the exercise is to be big.? Bring whatever it is going on in its totality and express it.? If you need to scream, scream.? If you need to crawl into a fetal position in the deepest corner of your garage, do so.? If you need to hit pillows, do that.? But do it from a space of allowing.? Allow emotions to flow, whether through written words on the page, wordless sounds, or through the voice.? Let it come through your body; place your body in a position that encapsulates your experience.? Let thoughts ramble forth from your mind.? But above all, allow all this from a place of play.? Be a child again.? This is through a choice to let it all come forward, laughing at yourself from the dual perspective of seeing how whole you truly are while allowing all the “imperfections” come forward. ?You know that this is not defining you, and yet it is just perfect the way it is. ?If you can’t inhabit that space, allow whatever you can.? The point isn’t to change anything in this moment, but to allow it and give full expression without judgment or control.


The magic of fully allowing is that it transforms.? If you are fully you in one moment, there is no limit to what you can be in the next moment.? It’s amazing how someone’s experience changes by the end of the exercise, especially if there’s someone you trust watching, which is encouraged!?


Beliefs permeate the being on every level.? Transformation can manifest through altering one level or another of perception, and it is possible to alter beliefs within the space of an eye blink, thereby creating irrevocable transformations that reverberate through all levels of the Self.? And it is true also that transformation within the Self will create transformation within a wider space known as a family, a community, a world, or a universe, or all of them – for they are all essentially the same.? For this, then, we can change the phrase into “change your thoughts, change the world”.

28 07, 2006

past lives and releasing pain

July 28th, 2006|allowing, love, tears, transformation|1 Comment

This one is a bit more personal, bringing my own journey. If you don’t relate to past lives, that’s fine. Call it hidden memories, it amounts to the same thing.
Yes, in the last month it feels like my life has turned inside out. Not in a bad way, but where theres a very shifting priority in terms of how I live my life. The relationship I that was starting didn’t; gradually a lot of pain came up and became front and center.

[I don’t really like going into the details, as it’s easy to take sides and look at it from a “whose fault it is” aspect, which I’m totally not about] However, there were a couple of experiences over that time which had a major influence on me; and with both of them images, thoughts and feelings arose that made me feel that a lot of what I was feeling was past-life related.

As a side note, I generally like looking at past lives (if nothing else, past life regression mp3’s are relaxing!), with one important caveat. Any thoughts we have on it are only as worthwhile as how they applicable they are to our lives now. This really is a fundamental tenet to any practical course of change. There are many interesting diversions; learning about lives in Atlantis could be one of them. I’ve received channeled material many times (you can look back in this blog to see a few transcripts of reference to past lives), but each of those only follows under the category of interesting until it is personally validated and incorporated. This, to me, is such a fundamental attitude to have; to validate everything. It’s the only way lessons are truly learned.

A few weeks ago, I was feeling extremely dark, depressed, and hopeless, full of self-criticism and self-loathing. I had no idea why, and decided to head away alone for the weekend. Of course, when you’re in that state, it’s incredibly hard to be present – your entire being screams that you shouldn’t go there. In addition, if there’s any masochism in looking at the state, such as “I should experience that, it’s good for me!”, then it just reinforces itself until escaping behaviour kicks in again. However, that weekend, I started to get real flashes of what seemed to be a past life experience. I felt incredible guilt at killing someone deep inside me, not at all related to anything in this life. I don’t think I meant to at all, but I got a feeling that I’d had a certain arrogance and got careless while being a doctor – and when I saw what I’d done I condemned myself. Deep tears came to my eyes at feeling this, and I felt something let go.

When I’m crying, I always want to make sure I’m crying because I see some new Truth. It’s quite possible to cry out of despair, or pain; but these aren’t the transforming release that comes with deeper tears. What I call “true tears” have more to do with seeing love (such as love for one’s self) anew, seeing’s one mistakes and realizing how perfect everyone is anyway. Knowing these things philosophically is one thing, but seeing them can be so overwhelming that tears come. How many things we build up in our lives based on mistaken beliefs on how little we’re worth or how weak we are that we need to wall ourselves away?

The next time you relax in the sun and enjoy its warmth, remember that this sunlight is actually love. Love isn’t abstract or philosophical. It is as physical as you and me. The light from the sun gives life without expectation. It brings joy without condition. It simply shines without any other agenda. It can be blocked temporarily, but it is not bothered by this one bit.

It’s no coincidence that tears came when I was sitting in the sun (with a view of the lake and the mountains) based on that statement, is it? Nature is such a wonderful place to open up in, because there’s so much free flowing energy without any blocks involved. This is another way of describing love.

Another incident came soon after, with a very final ending note to any hopes of a relationship. It too brought up images and overwhelming feelings that made me think it was past life related, related to being a woman abandoned by a man and essentially left to die. In any case, that doesn’t matter very much; what matters is that after sitting in it, journalling my expression of it (with an incredible amount of pain), I both went through it and saw a lot of buried pain influencing my life. Simply seeing it for what it is also gave me more courage to be allowing of it in every moment; it’s the fear of pain (and fear of fear) which is more unbearable than the pain itself for me. And as I do that, I also get more affirmations, self-love, and momentum for my journey. Loving love is just as self-perpetuating as fearing fear.

Looking into pain isn’t noble for its own sake. To think so is masochism. Looking into what is inside pain and fear is only beneficial because at the center of it, there is always a mistake or misconception. It could be about the world, or it could be about one’s self. (as if there’s ultimately a difference!) Releasing pain literally means releasing the worldview that’s at the center of it all. It doesn’t have to be a rational world view – a frightened kitten hiding in a closet has its own worldview stored in its body. But it is there, and the only way to get beyond it is to give it full attention. Nothing magically changes in this world. Real change always happens through full, conscious attention, always in the present moment.

The events of the last month have brought an even greater conviction of the paradox of pain : that one’s greatest pain is also one’s greatest strength and salvation. Without it, we wouldn’t have the impetus to grow and look into ourselves and realize how we are creators of our own misery. Everyone on this planet is full of mistaken beliefs. In fact, it’s my perception that in order to evolve to a higher vibration of awareness, one has to totally let go of all beliefs and perceptions one has. This is because everyone’s beliefs and perception is in some way mistaken and wrong. This idea of ‘mistaken’ isn’t the same as saying we’re failing a test; it’s merely saying that if we’re in a limited state of consciousness and have things to learn. Sometimes merely fixating on words is a great mistake. No matter how holy the words, they’re just words, and are absolutely nothing compared to direct experience and perception. This is why, when growing, we always let go of something, and never add. We let go of crutch after crutch until we can dance on our own.