23 07, 2007

an allowing space

July 23rd, 2007|allowing, emotions, listening, love, tears, triggering|0 Comments

This one has more of a glimpse into my personal journey, dealing with a large triggering of pain inside me, and the compassion that came from it.

The last couple weeks have surprisingly full of triggers for me with an online group that I’ve been part of, a group related to the Michael teachings. Although it was somewhat painful and resulted in me distancing myself away from it, great lessons came up for me.

Essentially, in this group, which is spiritually oriented and focused on balance and behaving with compassion, a few people (some of whom were moderators) behaved very differently in private emails than they did in public. In one case, it was flaming; throwing insults, wishing pain and destruction, being quite nasty. This went to the level of being an online stalker over the past few months, and there were some phone calls and text messages as well, all nasty and wishing pain. This was primarily to Karen,
but to a lesser extent to me.

What triggered my own pain was that the online group (although I’ve met most of the people on it face to face), which styles itself as focused on community and support, was totally unsupportive of bringing this up publically. It was “a private matter”, and it didn’t matter if it got to abusive actions, it wasn’t their business. Even if the other person (who was part of the group) made nasty innuendo publically. The hypocrisy of this struck me – the philosophy of community and support seemed to be thrown by the wayside. The moderators even suggested the police, showing they understood the scope of the issue somewhat, but refused to do anything themselves. It came to a crux Monday. I’d posted publicly what was going on as factually as I could, without any blame that I could see, and was basically told “personal issues involving people we know are not something we want to see on here”. Nice support there! It brought up a lot of pain inside me – especially long term stuff related to support.

So that’s the background. However, this is about my personal journey, not any rant on the flaming the anonymity of the internet can bring. Such things abound in this extremely isolated society we’ve created. What resulted next is what’s important.



Karen called me to offer her support on it Monday, and was indeed incredibly supporting. What was unusual and special about the call was not anything she said. The entire call, lasting close to 90 minutes, did not have many words in it at all! She simply gave me space to be who I was, which included the pain that was occurring. There was absolutely no “problem” to fix, nothing to resolve, nothing to make go away. It was simply two people with much love for each other simply being present, and the fact that there was a large amount of pain was incidental.

So what happened? Of course, like anyone in pain, at first I wished other people would change so I wouldn’t have to be triggered like this. I’m human too! Though I knew it was a triggering, so I didn’t identify too much with these thoughts. After muddling along, gradually accepting that there was no escape from the inner landscape I was in, I started scribbling on a drawing pad in charcoal. No definite shapes; just dark, sharp movements, expressing the chaos inside myself right now. Balls of small abysses accumulated on the page, bringing form to my internal world at that moment. It didn’t last long, but was enough to bring more acceptance and flow to what was coming. Karen was silent all through this. This was not a silence based on zoning out; she was present with me, with her full attention at hand. There was nothing that needed to be said; her presence said it all.

Her words describing her state were “It was about holding a space open for you, and acknowledging the perfection of whatever it is you were experiencing. In that moment, it was perfect, and there was no need to exert influence to change. I knew you were capable of doing it yourself.”

Soon enough, I felt more open to myself, breathing more fully, and lied down on the couch. Tears came. Tears, tears, and more tears. There were no reasons for the tears at first, and I didn’t need any. Some times reasons are like a straightjacket, restraining the human dance of emotions. I simply allowed what needed to come out. The expansive presence that was created in that moment created a magical, permissive atmosphere. This was no exercise of catharsis as seen in workshops; it was simply a gentle allowing that fully reincorporated parts of me back into myself. Tears flowed for the better part of an hour. Karen felt the pain, but didn’t see anything to fix at all. The warm silence continued. After tissue after tissue got tossed away, I came to a realization: I discovered I didn’t really know what true support was. I wanted it of course, but didn’t have the knowledge that can only come from repeated experience. This not knowing was profoundly opening; it brought me to see how much support I was getting in that moment. Funny how not knowing and seeing go hand in hand.

Going through my own pain and the openings this created helped bring me to a more neutral space about the online incidents. I’ve backed away considerably with those groups, because it’s clear that their version of support and community is quite restrictive to me; it’s based on protection instead of vulnerability. But this is perfect; they simply want different things. I’ll continue to meet these same people face to face (except the person who did the stalking), but won’t expect any support from them. Paradoxically, this whole experience helped me find far more support for myself; the experience of spacious allowing and acceptance has followed me since. The image I’ve had of support has changed from one of a building’s unshakeable foundation to something like an open space to play in, based in the present moment.

All of this has been intrinsic to my exploration of universal Love; it’s brought more of a visceral understanding, and definitely brought strides in living it with myself and others. My friend
Sophie got a whiff of that Friday!


(oh yes, and btw, it was my birthday Saturday! It was wonderful! Here’s a picture of me to celebrate. No, this wasn’t taken on my birthday – rather a few weeks ago – and I love it! The background is one of
Sophie‘s paintings, in my home.)

28 07, 2006

past lives and releasing pain

July 28th, 2006|allowing, love, tears, transformation|1 Comment

This one is a bit more personal, bringing my own journey. If you don’t relate to past lives, that’s fine. Call it hidden memories, it amounts to the same thing.
Yes, in the last month it feels like my life has turned inside out. Not in a bad way, but where theres a very shifting priority in terms of how I live my life. The relationship I that was starting didn’t; gradually a lot of pain came up and became front and center.

[I don’t really like going into the details, as it’s easy to take sides and look at it from a “whose fault it is” aspect, which I’m totally not about] However, there were a couple of experiences over that time which had a major influence on me; and with both of them images, thoughts and feelings arose that made me feel that a lot of what I was feeling was past-life related.

As a side note, I generally like looking at past lives (if nothing else, past life regression mp3’s are relaxing!), with one important caveat. Any thoughts we have on it are only as worthwhile as how they applicable they are to our lives now. This really is a fundamental tenet to any practical course of change. There are many interesting diversions; learning about lives in Atlantis could be one of them. I’ve received channeled material many times (you can look back in this blog to see a few transcripts of reference to past lives), but each of those only follows under the category of interesting until it is personally validated and incorporated. This, to me, is such a fundamental attitude to have; to validate everything. It’s the only way lessons are truly learned.

A few weeks ago, I was feeling extremely dark, depressed, and hopeless, full of self-criticism and self-loathing. I had no idea why, and decided to head away alone for the weekend. Of course, when you’re in that state, it’s incredibly hard to be present – your entire being screams that you shouldn’t go there. In addition, if there’s any masochism in looking at the state, such as “I should experience that, it’s good for me!”, then it just reinforces itself until escaping behaviour kicks in again. However, that weekend, I started to get real flashes of what seemed to be a past life experience. I felt incredible guilt at killing someone deep inside me, not at all related to anything in this life. I don’t think I meant to at all, but I got a feeling that I’d had a certain arrogance and got careless while being a doctor – and when I saw what I’d done I condemned myself. Deep tears came to my eyes at feeling this, and I felt something let go.

When I’m crying, I always want to make sure I’m crying because I see some new Truth. It’s quite possible to cry out of despair, or pain; but these aren’t the transforming release that comes with deeper tears. What I call “true tears” have more to do with seeing love (such as love for one’s self) anew, seeing’s one mistakes and realizing how perfect everyone is anyway. Knowing these things philosophically is one thing, but seeing them can be so overwhelming that tears come. How many things we build up in our lives based on mistaken beliefs on how little we’re worth or how weak we are that we need to wall ourselves away?

The next time you relax in the sun and enjoy its warmth, remember that this sunlight is actually love. Love isn’t abstract or philosophical. It is as physical as you and me. The light from the sun gives life without expectation. It brings joy without condition. It simply shines without any other agenda. It can be blocked temporarily, but it is not bothered by this one bit.

It’s no coincidence that tears came when I was sitting in the sun (with a view of the lake and the mountains) based on that statement, is it? Nature is such a wonderful place to open up in, because there’s so much free flowing energy without any blocks involved. This is another way of describing love.

Another incident came soon after, with a very final ending note to any hopes of a relationship. It too brought up images and overwhelming feelings that made me think it was past life related, related to being a woman abandoned by a man and essentially left to die. In any case, that doesn’t matter very much; what matters is that after sitting in it, journalling my expression of it (with an incredible amount of pain), I both went through it and saw a lot of buried pain influencing my life. Simply seeing it for what it is also gave me more courage to be allowing of it in every moment; it’s the fear of pain (and fear of fear) which is more unbearable than the pain itself for me. And as I do that, I also get more affirmations, self-love, and momentum for my journey. Loving love is just as self-perpetuating as fearing fear.

Looking into pain isn’t noble for its own sake. To think so is masochism. Looking into what is inside pain and fear is only beneficial because at the center of it, there is always a mistake or misconception. It could be about the world, or it could be about one’s self. (as if there’s ultimately a difference!) Releasing pain literally means releasing the worldview that’s at the center of it all. It doesn’t have to be a rational world view – a frightened kitten hiding in a closet has its own worldview stored in its body. But it is there, and the only way to get beyond it is to give it full attention. Nothing magically changes in this world. Real change always happens through full, conscious attention, always in the present moment.

The events of the last month have brought an even greater conviction of the paradox of pain : that one’s greatest pain is also one’s greatest strength and salvation. Without it, we wouldn’t have the impetus to grow and look into ourselves and realize how we are creators of our own misery. Everyone on this planet is full of mistaken beliefs. In fact, it’s my perception that in order to evolve to a higher vibration of awareness, one has to totally let go of all beliefs and perceptions one has. This is because everyone’s beliefs and perception is in some way mistaken and wrong. This idea of ‘mistaken’ isn’t the same as saying we’re failing a test; it’s merely saying that if we’re in a limited state of consciousness and have things to learn. Sometimes merely fixating on words is a great mistake. No matter how holy the words, they’re just words, and are absolutely nothing compared to direct experience and perception. This is why, when growing, we always let go of something, and never add. We let go of crutch after crutch until we can dance on our own.