As I’ve mentioned briefly before, I’m basically disabled now with a strange illness, one that doctors (so far) cannot diagnose. I cannot walk more than a couple blocks, clean my place, do shopping, lengthy cooking, etc, without getting a disorientation that lasts for hours. This doesn’t mean I can’t do all those things, simply that there are consequences which mean that if I do, I won’t be able to concentrate, talk without some slurring, or walk in a straight line.
Far from being resentful about this state, it’s brought to the surface a huge amount of insights surrounding how I live my life. The latest insight, which brought many tears, was simply how I do not let myself rest. There’s a strange guilt and defensiveness about letting myself truly do nothing. Like many, I defined my value in terms of the value I bring to others and to the world. A certain amount of repose may be necessary to “recharge”, but it was something to get over with quickly so I could get back to what brought goodness to the world. (more…)