Loving Awareness

On Intimacy

Posted by matthew on April 7, 2007  |  363 Commentshttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.loving-awareness.org%2F2007%2F04%2F07%2Fon-intimacy%2FOn+Intimacy2007-04-07+20%3A16%3A00matthewhttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.loving-awareness.org%2F2007%2F04%2F07%2Fon-intimacy%2F

The magical state that is our glimpse of oneness can be called by many labels, including “intimacy”, but my favorite is the term “essence contact”. It speaks of the frivolous aspects of our personalities (including fears and expectations) stepping aside and letting the core of our selves connect with another. This passes by all this images we have about it.

It’s hard to describe how to get there because it is after all a very natural thing. Look at the way a baby interacts with the world – with wonder. Every touch is a fully present touch, an invitation to explore. The effect this has on others is magical.

There is no difference between intimacy and meditation. Each comes from a state of division-less. There is no “other”, no “I am this, and I want that, which I am not”. There is only a wholeness that comes of no separation inside one’s self; no difference between “outer” and “inner”. In true intimacy, there is no difference between “the other” and “yourself”, because at that moment, there is union.

It’s good to also differentiate between intimacy with another and intimacy with yourself. Intimacy with yourself is always a prerequisite to intimacy with another, and the intimacy you have with another is never more than the intimacy you have with yourself. Intimacy with one’s self largely falls under the heading of “know yourself”, and is also meditation. Most relationships will focus on intimacy with each other, which often leads to frustration if there is not time and space given to self-intimacy as well. We all know about this â???? it’s like banging your head against a wall that gets harder and more immovable the more you bash against it.

What’s very humorous about the whole topic is that intimacy is extremely easy to achieve. It’s a natural human condition. If you want to learn about intimacy at its basic nature, hang around babies; they don’t know any barriers yet, so they touch the world and others in a basic, unfiltered manner. You touch a newborn baby and you’re touching their soul; there is no separation. We can all return to that place very easily. All it requires is a willingness not to resist it. That is, not to resist ANYTHING. You cannot be in a place of intimacy and vulnerability within a sphere of protection against any feelings going on inside.

Building on this, for us adults, many things can block intimacy, but in my eyes they come down to fears and expectations.

If you look at a fairly ‘normal’ person in our society, despite the best intentions to head into a relationship with an open heart, there are fairly standard expectations. Some I’ve seen are:

- Their partner should think of them as the “only one” for them and act accordingly.
- Their partner should never be critical of them and should always be unconditionally supporting.
- Couples should spend as much time together as they possibly can, and should always be first on each others agenda.
- Their partner should demonstrate affection and love in a very specific manner that means something to them.
- Their partner should understand them fully.
- Their partner should never feel attraction to other people.
- Good relationships should never have shit come up.
- No matter how negative or destructive you are, the partner should always be there.

Perhaps you’ll recognize some of them! To see how a block might happen, say a person in a relationship feels a strong attraction to another outside the relationship. They don’t want to leave the relationship, and don’t do anything to further it. However, their partner feels what’s going on and gets angry â???? a very natural result of having these expectations. So the person resolves to “wall away” these feelings, resulting in an inner separation between what’s “acceptable” and “not acceptable”. The consequence of this is a lack of wholeness, and therefore intimacy within one’s self. This means that this person cannot actually bring their whole self to the other, resulting in a lack of intimacy in the relationship.

Note that there’s a world of difference between agreements and expectations. Agreements are conscious and can be very clear, providing a nice foundation for intimacy. If there’s an agreement to be monogamous (very useful in most cases!), and one person breaks it without a talk to change the agreement first, there’s a very natural erosion of trust. It also speaks of lack of integrity/lack of self-intimacy. Integrity and intimacy with one’s self are very intertwined.

Any expectation is a barrier to intimacy. No exceptions. Any condition, such as “I’m not willing to see the anger seething inside you” blocks the person’s whole being from true intimacy, since intimacy is related to wholeness. Note that this is VERY different from not accepting behaviors. Anger can be welcomed as part of the other’s experience of life; welcoming violent and/or disrespectful behavior is very inadvisable! To be able to see, in the moment, the innocence of the source of the behavior while being firm with boundaries about some behaviors (such as venting anger at you) is absolutely essential and a great help to the world.

I’ve noticed I can be frustrating in a relationship because my natural inclination is to value a relationship only as much as the intimacy in it. I don’t judge relationships based on how long they lasts. I don’t care much about “building a life together”. Those things are in the future, not in the present moment. Most people approach relationships such as “if only the other person would commit to me, if only they’d be completely open with me, then maybe we’d have the intimacy we need”. I try to approach relationships from open eyes that ask “is there intimacy here?”. That is, intimacy in every moment, a welcoming from the heart. If there is, then each moment is a foundation for the next; that momentum can indeed last a lifetime.

giving, receiving, and the flow of love.

Posted by matthew on June 13, 2006  |  411 Commenthttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.loving-awareness.org%2F2006%2F06%2F13%2Fgiving-receiving-and-the-flow-of-love%2Fgiving%2C+receiving%2C+and+the+flow+of+love.2006-06-13+18%3A17%3A00matthewhttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.loving-awareness.org%2F2006%2F06%2F13%2Fgiving-receiving-and-the-flow-of-love%2F

To begin this, when referring to giving and receiving, I’m not mainly talking about giving and receiving of things, though of course that’s included. Giving includes such things as time, appreciation, listening, insight, “energy work”, and so on. I sum up all of these things as “energy”, because that’s about as generic as possible.

A main thought that I see as very misunderstood is the concept of “as ye give, so shall ye receive”. It’s sometimes understood to mean that we should all be selfless and give endlessly, and then in the future we will get something for our actions.

What a load of malarky! I don’t subscribe to any notion of doing something so that something good will come in the future. Some things need to be planned, yes, but I try to always do things because they’re the right thing to do *now*. All spiritual teachings are really built into the Now, the ever changing present moment. If you look at the tense of the above quote on giving and receiving, it’s about the present moment. It isn’t about future reward – it’s a statement of how the universe works. As energy goes out, it also comes in – and vice versa. You can’t have one without the other. “As ye receive, so shall ye give” is equally true.

Giving and receiving are always happening at the same time – often in a very non linear way. As we give to another person (e.g., giving them a compliment), we’re at the same time giving to self by saying we appreciate this quality in ourselves. We’re also receiving a sort of feedback loop from another person as they truly receive it – this can be in the form of gratitude, or joy, or even the other person’s transformation. This last one is an extremely powerful feedback of energy. We all can grow and invite joy helping others grow. (Note: we don’t help others grow by ignoring our own growth at the expense of others!)

We’re not islands unto ourselves – our entire being is really an energetic system. And because it’s a system, wherever there’s an output, there has to be a corresponding input, or motion stops. As we give, we also have to be open to receiving, or the flow stops. The reverse applies – in order to truly receive, we need to be completely open to giving.

I’ve met a number of “selfish” people in my years so far. To me, it’s simply sad, as they’re so focused on getting all they can that they block out the possibilities of giving. Because they severely limit their output, or giving, (even if it’s a heartfelt thanks!), they don’t take that much in either. If they want to “accumulate” love, for example, they find it never sticks. At the energetic level they aren’t letting that much of what’s given in, because they’re blocking the entire flow that’s needed. Oh, they can accumulate things, and when you’re monetarily poor it seems very seductive to have this attitude, but because of the attitude, they often get mired in a poverty consciousness. External things are really only a small part of what makes us happy, after all. You need to give love in order to have it flow in. This isn’t about reward or punishment – simply how the universe works.

A similar thing is when people, to external appearance, are always selflessly giving, but blocking receiving anything. One manifestation could be because they’re afraid of feeling worthless, they keep giving to not feel that feeling – but then don’t think they’re worth getting anything. This can make people around them tense, because there really isn’t much giving energetically – the flow being blocked on the receiving end makes the real giving (ie, “Love”) slow down to a trickle.

This energetic feedback loop of giving and receiving is subtle, but very important to be aware of. When I’m trying to help someone, I notice if the person is receiving it and open to the entire process, including the giving part. If I start to feel “drained”, I usually stop, because something’s going wrong with the flow. If the other person’s not taking it in, the energy can simply dissipate. Now I’m not even close to perfect in this regard, and I’m still learning an awful lot, but I’m getting better in trusting my intuitions. Trying to give – even in forms the other person wants – when they’re not open to all that’s required to receive it is simply a waste of energy, and it’s not loving (for self OR others) to persist at it.

The best example I know of giving and receiving are babies and cats. If you think of it, there’s very little they conventionally “give” other than their presence, attention, and natural response. But what a joy that is. Everyone can feel that flow – how grandly loving the energy is. We get so much from giving of our time and love. That’s the flow I’m talking about.

Now I’ve been writing mostly about energy, as the world of things can have a lot of variety. Giving away $1 million means nothing to Bill Gates, but to me it’s an extremely large amount, which I don’t even have. The time and energy I’d invest to get it is enormous. So while detachment from things is very helpful, it’s important to have self-care in giving. It wouldn’t be self-loving for me to give away my retirement, whereas by the time Bill Gates has gotten back from a coffee break he could have made that much. Self-love is as an important part of giving and receiving as anything else – if something doesn’t feel right, it likely isn’t. It can be a very loving thing to do to stop an ongoing gift that doesn’t feel right, because it can bring the element of truth and clarity into it. If it doesn’t feel right, you often learn more about why after you take a break from it.

Now, I look at this unrestrained, unblocked energy flow simply as Love. That’s part of what Love is – the natural flow of energy in this grand universe. When it comes down to it, it doesn’t matter if you’re giving or receiving at any given moment. If you’re part of this natural tide of giving and receiving, without ego-centered controls (but with self-care and good boundaries), you’re in a loving state. When we isolate ourselves or block off part of this flow, we natural block off all of it, because a river flow needs both an entrance and an exit to exist at any point. But when we participate, we find the utter joy in being part of the grand energy system we simply call “Life”.

As Gibran quote from The Prophet says:

You give but little when you give of your possessions.
It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.