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I’m in my own process now, getting physically sicker, and wondering why there’s no shifting in this. This led to the following channeled question which I think is rather universal, so I’m posting it here.

Question: I am really frustrated at my progress towards inner peace and balance. Why is this not ‘working’? What am I not doing or doing to sabotage myself? It’s all very well hearing and writing about my own wholeness, but it seems that no matter what I do, I feel more disconnection with my self and others, more pain, more isolation. What good is inner work and channeling if it doesn’t actually produce positive change? Please feel free to tell me ‘as it is’, without walking around anything that I might be afraid to look at. I want to know.

You have asked us to tell you things ‘as it is’, or as you are, without dancing around the topic. We understand that you value expression. You value Truth in expression. We will attempt to bring you that now.

You have asked what you are doing wrong or not doing, or doing to sabotage yourself. As much as you desire change, understand it is because you think you ‘should‘. This desire for change, then, you have allowed to come to you from an external source rather that from inside yourself. In other words, true change will not occur for you unless and until you are connected to your inner Self and the desire to change comes from there.

Now we can tell you reasons why you have allowed this external ‘should’ to come in. But understand that you do not have a desire to connect with that inner Self except with that desire that comes to you via this external ‘should’. In other words, until you drop the external ‘should’, change will not occur at the rate at which you think you ‘should’ have it. Now, ironically, once you are able to drop this external ‘should’ and become connected with your inner self, you will likely not feel the need for change, for you will likely already have what you want. So we would suggest looking at your pattern of external influences and determining you are going to continue to accept them. Once you drop them, if you should choose to, all that will be left will be that inner core of yourself. If, however, you choose to remain immersed in these external influences you have allowed to accumulate outside of you, you will always feel there is an inner emptiness. Now, are there any questions.

That is, as we said, ‘as we see it’. However, we understand it is not easy to get there. It is one thing for us to say drop the external influences, but when you are mired within them, that is all you could see. Now, you could manifest within yourself a very dramatic way to drop the external influences. This could look like insanity to others. It could be extremely painful. It could be part of a ‘near death’ experience. Any other really dramatic shift is likely to have that effect. So you must ask yourself: is that what you want? And in the asking, ask yourself also what are the influences telling me what I ‘should’ want?

Aside from a dramatic shift such as we described, you could also examine every one of these influences that you already know about, travel with each one back to the source and allow yourself to let it dissipate, for you know you don’t need it. You must however, believe this can happen. If you believe you are nothing but what others think that you are, then you will be that. You have the power to choose what you are and who you are, and who you are not.

This was enormously helpful to me, because knowing my own blocks is just as important as knowing my own light. Like many people, my identity was largely constructed from others: how others looked at me, what part of me was loved, what was not accepted, what was painful, what was joyful, how I needed to act to gain acceptance. And all of these things are externals. Even my desires, such as for wholeness, can be things I think I should want. That’s the legacy of our advertising-based culture.

In this time of enforced inactivity called illness, I really can’t give to others as much as I used to. I can’t earn a living, I can’t help around the house much, I can’t think that clearly much of the time, and I even can’t do energy work without a reaction. It’s brought up a lot of self-hatred and confusion about my identity – because in some ways I perceived I needed to do all these things in order to be lovable. But looking at all my self-hatred now, I see that without exception, every hatred I have is because I perceive something (in myself or others) that is different from how I think it should be. And all of those “should”s came from somewhere outside myself. Every last one.

Most people in this culture, I’ve gradually perceived, have little awareness when there is a connection to this deep inner presence called “Self”. It takes time and space to allow this connection. There is no quick answer, no quick solution to becoming who you are. Any attempt to make it a quick solution is always because of another “should”. But there is no way to find inner peace and balance without this connection, however long it takes.

And so my journey (and yours) goes on…