Loving Awareness

beliefs … a new perspective

Posted by matthew on August 28, 2007  |  21No Commentshttp://www.loving-awareness.org/2007/08/28/beliefs-a-new-perspective/beliefs+...+a+new+perspective2007-08-28+17%3A44%3A00matthew

More material to be in the book “Loving Awareness”.

In the self-help community, there is much emphasis on how you need to change your beliefs to change your life.  “Change your thoughts, change your life!” is a maxim of Wayne Dyer.   Beliefs are how we interpret the world – every one of our experiences is filtered through our beliefs.  This is why ten different people coming from different backgrounds can have fundamental differences of interpretation of the same event – the jury system in the courts gives regular examples of this!  So changing beliefs can indeed have a powerful impact on lives.  However, most people think of a belief simply as a pattern of thoughts, and it is far more than this.  So what are beliefs, if we look deeply at them?

 

In the western cultural framework, we tend to think everything is intellectual.  We’re a society that usually values intellect above all.  So when we talk about “mind” we generally refer only to thoughts and leave the emotions and the body divorced from the equation.  Not so in many oriental traditions.  The word “mind” in those cultures encompasses all of the mental, emotional, and physical parts of ourselves.  From these perspectives, we are a fully integrated system, with every part of ourselves affecting any other.  When there is recognition of this, there is more possibility of transformative changes occurring within ourselves.  Thinking it is only our thoughts that affect us and denying the real effect the body and the emotions have upon our thoughts and each other can easily lead to mind games, with no changes resulting, and thinking that all that it is needed is more effort in doing the same thing that hasn’t worked in the past. 

 

Now, on this expanded field of who we are, beliefs exists everywhere in who we are, even outside thoughts.  In a real way, they are analogous to habits – a pattern that repeats in how we process information .  I liken them to rivers across the continent that is the Self.  Over time, trenches and canals appear that are the result of the water flowing in a certain pattern.  There is then a tendency to continue on the same course (whether in thoughts, body movements, or emotions), but any of them can be changed with consistent effort.  If dams have been constructed, blocking the flow, there will be alternate ways things flows.  Many of these can cause more harm than good, of course, but our bodies are quite adaptable – within reason.  There’s actually a lot of similarities between the “flows” of our emotions, thoughts, and body processes.  For instance, an emotional memory might cause someone to feel anger and disappointment when someone doesn’t look them in the eye.  This “gut reaction” occurs without thought.  Similarly, a sound of a traffic accident might cause adrenaline in someone and they’d jump up to run outside, without thought or much emotion. 

Because we’re a complete system, it’s all interrelated.  For example, a man may have fixed thoughts about how a woman “should behave” in a relationship.  These thoughts may be a protective layer around a core pain in the body relating to abuse by a mother-figure in childhood; in this abuse there would be both emotional pain and body memories.  Now, trying to change the thought patterns of this man will likely run up against a brick wall because it’s only addressing thoughts.  This wall of course, is perfect – the thoughts are self-protective, and there is definitely pain that needs protecting, for it isn’t appropriate to bring up just anywhere or with anyone.  This isn’t to say changing thoughts is pointless; it creates ripples which may create a domino effect in other parts of the system.  But thoughts aren’t the master control of it all, especially when there’s not much consciousness in them.  We’re a great tapestry of interweaving energies we call thoughts, emotions, and matter, and we become more adaptable and powerful when we work with this whole, rather than a smaller part of ourselves.

 

So then how to do this work in this quagmire?  The answer – which will be familiar to regular readers – is via allowing.  We’re not like machines that break and then require a mechanic to go in and fix. We’re constantly healing and balancing simply by being who we are, in every moment of every day.  Most alternative healing recognizes this and tries to support the body’s natural strength instead of imposing harsh chemicals, for example.  If everything’s out on the table – and everything includes thoughts, emotions, and the body – it’s quite a change provoking event in itself.  Anyone who’s been a witness to a person being deeply vulnerable cannot help but be affected by the experience.  Once the full wholeness of self is brought forward, there is a space of creation in that present moment that literally enables new worlds to be created.  These are worlds forced on your body by ramming affirmations inwardly; this is a process of mutual creation, and thus, a process of Love.

 

To put this in action, here’s an exercise I wrote:

 

Exercise

This exercise is about being big about whatever process is going on in the moment, in ways that encompass the physical, intellectual, and emotional aspects of ourselves.  To be precise about being big, here is my definition:

 

Being big is about bringing the full totality of who you are to the world.  It has nothing to do with being loud, or pushing others, or speaking inspired thoughts.  You can be big no matter what your experiences in the present moment are.

 

For instance, someone desperately angry might be very loud and attempt others to change.  They would feel small to others, because they are not showing vulnerability about where this emotion is coming from.  On the other hand, others might be feeling worthless, full of condemning thoughts and not feel like they deserve to take any space around them.  They might be very shy and quiet.  Bringing that forward, in its totality, without any apology or protective face, would be big.  They might tell others they need to express this, then crawl into a corner, crunch themselves into fetal position, and mumble the thoughts they are having.  So long as they bring the full totality of who they are – which includes the knowing that this is only an experience and not defining in any way – they are big.  They are showing they are bigger than their own experience.  This is vastness.

 

So the exercise is to be big.  Bring whatever it is going on in its totality and express it.  If you need to scream, scream.  If you need to crawl into a fetal position in the deepest corner of your garage, do so.  If you need to hit pillows, do that.  But do it from a space of allowing.  Allow emotions to flow, whether through written words on the page, wordless sounds, or through the voice.  Let it come through your body; place your body in a position that encapsulates your experience.  Let thoughts ramble forth from your mind.  But above all, allow all this from a place of play.  Be a child again.  This is through a choice to let it all come forward, laughing at yourself from the dual perspective of seeing how whole you truly are while allowing all the “imperfections” come forward.  You know that this is not defining you, and yet it is just perfect the way it is.  If you can’t inhabit that space, allow whatever you can.  The point isn’t to change anything in this moment, but to allow it and give full expression without judgment or control.

 

The magic of fully allowing is that it transforms.  If you are fully you in one moment, there is no limit to what you can be in the next moment.  It’s amazing how someone’s experience changes by the end of the exercise, especially if there’s someone you trust watching, which is encouraged! 

 

Beliefs permeate the being on every level.  Transformation can manifest through altering one level or another of perception, and it is possible to alter beliefs within the space of an eye blink, thereby creating irrevocable transformations that reverberate through all levels of the Self.  And it is true also that transformation within the Self will create transformation within a wider space known as a family, a community, a world, or a universe, or all of them – for they are all essentially the same.  For this, then, we can change the phrase into “change your thoughts, change the world”.

seeing suffering in India

Posted by matthew on August 5, 2007  |  22No Commentshttp://www.loving-awareness.org/2007/08/05/seeing-suffering-in-india/seeing+suffering+in+India2007-08-05+20%3A16%3A00matthew

I’ve recently had talk with a few people about India and my experiences of being there. It’s been over 10 years ago now since I was there for about 6 months. I arrived without friends, guides or plans – simply bringing a large (but mostly empty) backpack and a guidebook. I saw ancient ruins, ashrams, monasteries, beach resorts, sky-touching mountains and parched deserts. I treked in the Himalayan mountains and river rafted and kayaked down mountain rivers. I saw the extremes of India’s culture, from the poverty, to the spiritual traditions, to the Hindu-Muslim clashes. The experiences from that trip expanded my mind and helped shape my mind to be able to see outside the cultural assumptions we take for granted.

Now one of the most common questions I’ve received over the years has been about the poverty in India. “It must have been so hard to see all the poverty and suffering there!” is something I’ve heard over 100 times.

The answer is of course, paradoxical. The truth is that it felt like an extreme relief. It was a profoundly freeing experience to actually see the suffering that was actually there. Here we avoid this. In the North American culture most of us are in, we do all we can to remove all sights, sounds and impressions that suffering exists. We try to hide homelessness, ignore poverty, and even amongst friends there’s usually a tacit agreement to filter our emotions and sufferings. Showing these in a corporate office is usually taboo. We’re uncomfortable with the emotions that seeing direct pain can bring up. In India, on the other hand, it’s all visible. The leprosy on the street is visible; the millions of people living in shacks with unclean water and no toilets are visible. The simmering rage between Hindus and Muslims is also visible.

(This kind of sight, by the way, is not that uncommon. Leprosy is quite common and visible in many streets)

It’s hard to convey why this is such a relief. But perhaps an analogy is in order. Say two people are in an exclusive relationship and one person cheats. The other person knows (as they usually do), but it hasn’t been brought out in the open. There will be a great tension in all interactions between them, because there is a great pain waiting to come up that they resist. So until it does, there will be a feeling of walking on eggshells, and if it continues, there will often be an entire routine built around avoiding the truth that a broken agreement has taken place. Misery will appear. When and if it actually does become visible, and both parties put all their emotions on the table, there will be a palpable sense of relief; the need for pretense is gone. Both sides can actually reveal their emotions instead of living within emotional castles of thick stone walls.

The truth is that suffering exists. Buddhism starts with this simple statement as the first noble Truth. Our society intellectually knows this, but we push it away emotionally. We say “yes, I know about suffering, I know it’s there, but I don’t want to touch it or be confronted with it”. And yet, when we do actually touch it, our heart opens. We simply can’t act compassionately until we actually touch another’s sufferings. We can’t understand others until we fully listen, and listening means fully allowing them to touch you. This touch involves more than the hospital rubber gloves of analysis; it involves an openness that has the possibility of being overwhelmed for a while. Yet being overwhelmed, as I was in India for some time, develops the heart. Emotional muscles need to work, or they atrophy. Allowing ourselves to be touched, and yes, sometimes hurt, by others’ sufferings lets the full range of the heart come forward.

It was actually more of a shock for me to arrive back in Canada than it was arriving in India. I was presented with all my family patterns of hiding real emotions (similar to most families here), and realized I simply could not go back to the way I was acting before. So over the next few years, I did my best to be visible with what was going on. This caused many upsets in my family, but has immeasurably helped me. My parents may not always feel comfortable with me, but their reaction is based on who I actually am, not a game we play.

I generally recommend being immersed in a similar culture for anyone wishing to see other ways of living. It’s not just India of course; there are many, many other cultures that don’t have the emotional straightjackets we do. An example closer to home might be Italians; in general, they tend to be much more visible with emotions, and if fights break out, so what? It doesn’t mean a lack of love. It can easily be part of it.

navigating the trials of life

Posted by matthew on August 2, 2007  |  23No Commentshttp://www.loving-awareness.org/2007/08/02/navigating-the-trials-of-life/navigating+the+trials+of+life2007-08-02+16%3A04%3A00matthew

The following is a question NipTuck (another Karen!) sent me a couple days ago, and my response, which I’ve expanded a little since then but not changed any meanings.  Thought it was worthy enough to post, which I am doing with permission.   She has a blog too, though it’s not at all about “spiritual” or “growth” matters.  I do NOT live like a monk outside of this blog, for your information! 

NipTuck  : How does one know if they are being irrational or acting logically when something that seems to be unfair towards them drives them to anger and voicing such w/out insults but vehemently?

First of all, acting within the confines of reason is simply a straightjacket.  Living this way, you will never avail yourself of the immense resources you have at all times in terms of intuition, emotional support, passion, and a pure sense of play.  Life leaves a lot to the imagination, as it was meant to.  Allow that to blossom.  If you feel like being “irrational”, do so!  In ways, of course, that do not restrict others to also blossom.

It’s taken me a long time to see that everything within me is undeniably a blessing to the world.  Yes, everything, without exception.  The same goes with you and everyone on earth. And yet people can perform actions that are extremely hurtful and cause immense sufferings. There is a paradox in this, of course, and seeing through it is essential for finding self-love.

Consider, then, two scenarios to help understand this dichotomy, which could arise from being close to a man who quite obviously is in a lot of pain.  In the first case, he considers you the cause of his pain and frustration.  He expresses this with rage and helplessness, making it clear that you’re the problem, and your denials cause him to react with more vehemence because he needs you to help get rid of all his inner problems.  He keeps verbally attacking you until you either walk away or attack back.  This quite obviously can cause suffering and distrust between you.

The second scenario is when the man is feeling great pain and frustration, some of which you triggered, but considers you the witness only. The rawness of the pain is shown directly to you, and helps you see that he too has a tender heart, can easily be hurt, and can believe in his own smallness.  It could be shown indirectly, by screaming at pillows and launching attacks at them – which of course they’re less apt to believe than you!  It could also be shown via prose, poetry, or even in song.  But in the doing so, you are helped in seeing the innocence both of the other person and of yourself, for you too have these elements in you.  The next time you encounter them in you it will flow easier, and this experience helps bring you closer together, even if you are not in a conventional relationship.

Now, there is no difference whatsoever in the pain and anger in the person between the two cases.  The only difference is in the expression of it, the projection (or lack of it), and the vulnerability allowed.  In the second case, there was no desire to avoid the intensity of the emotion whatsoever, and hence no projection.  This is ultimately self-love, and helps bring love out to the world.  It is not a rigid “I must face this and deal with it” attitude, which is an avoidance in itself, but a gentle allowing that has you as a witness.

So how to get there? Above all, be gentle with yourself. It’s good to have practice; if you have pain and hurt towards someone where there honestly isn’t enough trust to be vulnerable like this, take care of yourself and back away.  Know that by not being a punching bag you are taking care of yourself, which is a part of self-love.  Find a friend to be vulnerable about it first, or express it creatively by being vulnerable with yourself.  Ultimately the more self-love you have to yourself about your own pain, the less tendency you will have to make it the fault of others.

NipTuck:  More specifically, how does one handle the world in general?   Say, Insurance adjusters, office mates, peers, rude people who cut in front of you, try to cut you off in traffic… how does one react?

There is this paradigm it appears to me, where if one does exert some resistance (vocally) in others intrusions,they are considered trouble makers.  Whereas if one does not say anything, one gets run over by the world at large.   How does a person survive in this world? Allow others to run you over, or get angry. I speak up when people do this and then I feel guilty.  It’s almost the survival of the fittest I feel.  Everyone has become so narcissistic that I feel the continual need to avenge myself.

As someone vocal myself, I strongly notice when speaking up means I’m considered a “trouble maker”.  So I take care of myself by stepping back if I feel if there is no openness whatsoever to anything opposed to preconceptions that exist.  I have no problems speaking up, but there is no value in bashing needlessly against walls.  

But really, the question is: what do you want? Do you want to be in the game of oneupmanship with others? To you want to endlessly compete, in traffic and other things? Or do you simply want a feeling of peace and contentment in your life? If it’s the latter, then affirm that. Try to live that in traffic jams, in the office, with rude people.  Different priorities bring different results.

There’s a saying in the Tao Te Ching that says “The sage does not compete with anyone, hence no one can compete with him.”.  It applies here.

That said, even if you do desire well-being above everything else, of course there will be triggers. There will be people pissing you off. There will be people who require you to set firm boundaries.  This is part of life, and expecting otherwise will lead to more upsets.  But at the same time, there are ways to live in this world (and among such people) that are ultimately loving to yourself and others, even in trying circumstances.

Learning how isn’t a short term matter. If there are emotional minefields in your life, where you’re easily triggered, then it’s certain life won’t be peaceful immediately. However, it’s the direction of the next step that’s always most important, rather than the war zone you may find yourself in.  Taking even one small step closer to peace may not feel like much at first, but it causes ripples both in yourself and those around you.  Like I said above, everything inside ourselves is a gift.  Allow it, value it, and try to find ways to let your honest self out – including honest emotions even if you think they are “negative” – in ways that do not make fault with other people . Blogging can be great, as you know! But above all, allow your feelings and reactions in such a way that doesn’t make anyone else wrong.

So yes, I do like questions that are on the flow of this blog.  They’re very much welcome!   And if you like my writing, you’re welcome to share it in some way  Use the “email to a friend” link, send an email, put a link somewhere, anything is appreciated.  Thank you for reading!