Loving Awareness

the innocence of anger

Posted by matthew on July 26, 2007  |  244 Commentshttp://www.loving-awareness.org/2007/07/26/the-innocence-of-anger/the+innocence+of+anger2007-07-26+19%3A12%3A00matthew

For this blog I’ll write about anger. It’s a greatly misunderstood emotion in our culture. It’s both decried and cultivated at the same time. There are enormous mixed messages we get on a daily basis, and because of this, many people have walled away any possibility of this emotion being shown. To an extreme, there might even be a message that it’s best to always step back and “see the perfection of the other” – which involves walling away anything critical – rather than show any anger.

Now, let’s look at anger directly. I hope you can pause here to look at it with me; we all have it inside ourselves. Think of someone or something that simply pisses you off. Please sit with it a while; listen to it. This isn’t about a venting process, which is what happens when the easiest words are found. Listening is a deep, meditative process that doesn’t wish anything to go away or be fixed. Pay attention to what it really wants to say. Listen to it equally if it’s to someone else or to yourself.

(I hope you take a few moments to breathe deeply and listen to yourself here)

When I hear anger, it’s a voice with power that says “Something isn’t working here. Please listen!”. That’s all. No violence at all. What isn’t healthy about that – speaking out when something doesn’t work?

What most people confuse with anger is projection. Projection naturally happens when there’s a total non-acceptance of a real process going on within. It says “this is not mine! It must be yours.” And thus a violence caused by the rupture that begins totally with Self. Thus, if something isn’t working internally and there’s denial that it IS within, there is a constant push externally that is the anger turned into projection. Of course, in this case, there is nothing the outside world can do to change the internal world of the person, so “help” turns two ways: either to encourage listening and care of Self, or to encourage numbness so the inner turmoil isn’t felt. Many “safe” atmospheres encourage the numbness by creating a whitewashed atmosphere where all possible triggers are removed.

To look at healthy anger, a good example is Gandhi. Gandhi made it very clear the behavior of the British in India wasn’t working; it caused tremendous suffering, he did everything in his power to encourage people to listen and see it clearly. He focused solely on the behavior of the British, not the British themselves, who were generally wonderful people. He did not make them wrong (i.e., use projection), but focused on behavior that was changeable – and so documented the systematic methods of poverty and oppression that occurred in those colonial times. People wouldn’t think it was anger, because there was no rage or violence at all. He moved from a place of power that no one could take away, and part of that was his non-violence. But the root energy was anger – simply in a very evolved form. It was again, “This isn’t working – Please listen!”. This goes back to earlier posts expressing there are no “bad” emotions. Any emotion can be transformed to a place where it services mankind. Without exception.

An example closer to home might be a mother watching over a child. If the child places itself in danger, the natural response tends to be anger. In a mother with no shame of their anger, this comes out as a clear “get back! I care about you!” I’ve been lucky enough to see people without any shame of their anger, and the response children have to this is lovely. They will tend to smile, because the anger clearly comes out of Love. However, if there’s significant guilt and pain surrounding anger, all of this inner division comes out in the communication. The result is that it feels awful, because with the disharmony expressed in that shout, the love in the communication doesn’t shine through. The crux is that the problem is with the disunity, not the anger.

One of the false images people have of anger is that it’s a way to attack the other person. However, if you’ve ever seen someone “let it all out”, without defenses, it is an incredibly vulnerable state. We tend to go through life guarding against others knowing what we care about. Showing anger without guile or protection puts it all out on the table. You are making what you passionately care in plain view all to see and touch. People subconsciously protect against this because of the possibility the other person will use that vulnerability to attack. This is of course, very valid; it happens fairly regularly. Those who wish to use this vulnerability to attack may bait others, waiting for others to let loose so they can then give a “sucker punch” of a sort. This doesn’t take anything away from those who reach this kind of vulnerability; it takes great courage to be fully open this way. Most people get angry half-heartedly. They let the other person know they are angry, but they don’t get to vulnerability. Others tend to feel this lack of vulnerability and react defensively. Many activists are in this state.

When it comes down to it, anger deserves a deep and profound listening, like everything else. It is often a healthy desire for boundaries. Sometimes it is the simple message that something isn’t working, and thus can be a “cover up emotion”, pointing to a geyser of other emotions that are crying out to be released. But the anger itself is not a problem. It is something that needs to be given a loving space of listening, not “fixed”. There is nothing that needs to be done with it, other than listening. Allowing it transforms it, and lets everyone involved see what truly wasn’t working. This is a gift to the world.

Now, the events of the last few weeks as described in the last blog for me brought up a lot of anger. Quite frankly, I love my anger. And because of that, no one would ever describe me as an “angry person”. I love that I speak up when something doesn’t work. I love that I do my best to do it from a vulnerable space. Sometimes I fall flat on my face, but that’s what learning’s about. Look what happened in the previous blog – there are great benefits to getting to a place where support is needed!

Be whole.

an allowing space

Posted by matthew on July 23, 2007  |  25No Commentshttp://www.loving-awareness.org/2007/07/23/an-allowing-space/an+allowing+space2007-07-23+18%3A17%3A00matthew

This one has more of a glimpse into my personal journey, dealing with a large triggering of pain inside me, and the compassion that came from it.

The last couple weeks have surprisingly full of triggers for me with an online group that I’ve been part of, a group related to the Michael teachings. Although it was somewhat painful and resulted in me distancing myself away from it, great lessons came up for me.

Essentially, in this group, which is spiritually oriented and focused on balance and behaving with compassion, a few people (some of whom were moderators) behaved very differently in private emails than they did in public. In one case, it was flaming; throwing insults, wishing pain and destruction, being quite nasty. This went to the level of being an online stalker over the past few months, and there were some phone calls and text messages as well, all nasty and wishing pain. This was primarily to Karen, but to a lesser extent to me.

What triggered my own pain was that the online group (although I’ve met most of the people on it face to face), which styles itself as focused on community and support, was totally unsupportive of bringing this up publically. It was “a private matter”, and it didn’t matter if it got to abusive actions, it wasn’t their business. Even if the other person (who was part of the group) made nasty innuendo publically. The hypocrisy of this struck me – the philosophy of community and support seemed to be thrown by the wayside. The moderators even suggested the police, showing they understood the scope of the issue somewhat, but refused to do anything themselves. It came to a crux Monday. I’d posted publicly what was going on as factually as I could, without any blame that I could see, and was basically told “personal issues involving people we know are not something we want to see on here”. Nice support there! It brought up a lot of pain inside me – especially long term stuff related to support.

So that’s the background. However, this is about my personal journey, not any rant on the flaming the anonymity of the internet can bring. Such things abound in this extremely isolated society we’ve created. What resulted next is what’s important.

Karen called me to offer her support on it Monday, and was indeed incredibly supporting. What was unusual and special about the call was not anything she said. The entire call, lasting close to 90 minutes, did not have many words in it at all! She simply gave me space to be who I was, which included the pain that was occurring. There was absolutely no “problem” to fix, nothing to resolve, nothing to make go away. It was simply two people with much love for each other simply being present, and the fact that there was a large amount of pain was incidental.

So what happened? Of course, like anyone in pain, at first I wished other people would change so I wouldn’t have to be triggered like this. I’m human too! Though I knew it was a triggering, so I didn’t identify too much with these thoughts. After muddling along, gradually accepting that there was no escape from the inner landscape I was in, I started scribbling on a drawing pad in charcoal. No definite shapes; just dark, sharp movements, expressing the chaos inside myself right now. Balls of small abysses accumulated on the page, bringing form to my internal world at that moment. It didn’t last long, but was enough to bring more acceptance and flow to what was coming. Karen was silent all through this. This was not a silence based on zoning out; she was present with me, with her full attention at hand. There was nothing that needed to be said; her presence said it all.


Her words describing her state were “It was about holding a space open for you, and acknowledging the perfection of whatever it is you were experiencing. In that moment, it was perfect, and there was no need to exert influence to change. I knew you were capable of doing it yourself.”

Soon enough, I felt more open to myself, breathing more fully, and lied down on the couch. Tears came. Tears, tears, and more tears. There were no reasons for the tears at first, and I didn’t need any. Some times reasons are like a straightjacket, restraining the human dance of emotions. I simply allowed what needed to come out. The expansive presence that was created in that moment created a magical, permissive atmosphere. This was no exercise of catharsis as seen in workshops; it was simply a gentle allowing that fully reincorporated parts of me back into myself. Tears flowed for the better part of an hour. Karen felt the pain, but didn’t see anything to fix at all. The warm silence continued. After tissue after tissue got tossed away, I came to a realization: I discovered I didn’t really know what true support was. I wanted it of course, but didn’t have the knowledge that can only come from repeated experience. This not knowing was profoundly opening; it brought me to see how much support I was getting in that moment. Funny how not knowing and seeing go hand in hand.

Going through my own pain and the openings this created helped bring me to a more neutral space about the online incidents. I’ve backed away considerably with those groups, because it’s clear that their version of support and community is quite restrictive to me; it’s based on protection instead of vulnerability. But this is perfect; they simply want different things. I’ll continue to meet these same people face to face (except the person who did the stalking), but won’t expect any support from them. Paradoxically, this whole experience helped me find far more support for myself; the experience of spacious allowing and acceptance has followed me since. The image I’ve had of support has changed from one of a building’s unshakeable foundation to something like an open space to play in, based in the present moment.

All of this has been intrinsic to my exploration of universal Love; it’s brought more of a visceral understanding, and definitely brought strides in living it with myself and others. My friend Sophie got a whiff of that Friday!

..

(oh yes, and btw, it was my birthday Saturday! It was wonderful! Here’s a picture of me to celebrate. No, this wasn’t taken on my birthday – rather a few weeks ago – and I love it! The background is one of Sophie’s paintings, in my home.)

Loving Awareness – an exercise

Posted by matthew on July 2, 2007  |  261 Commenthttp://www.loving-awareness.org/2007/07/02/loving-awareness-an-exercise/Loving+Awareness+-+an+exercise2007-07-02+18%3A10%3A00matthew

As I mentioned in the previous blog, I’m co-writing a book with Karen Murphy centered around the subject of Love.  Notice the capitals – it’s intentional.  It’s really meant to go beyond all the cultural stereotypes and assumptions we have about the subject (e.g., “a vague syrupy emotion that guarantees happiness”) coming back time and time again to the truth that we ARE Love.   Every part of us, without exception.  This of course is interplayed with all the duality we live in here on Earth.  We’re mostly done the “Levels of Love”, which aren’t based on cosmic grade schools, but more about the degree of allowing we have in our lives.  The duality is that Love already exists perfectly inside us, but our awareness and experience of it may not be consistent with this.  It doesn’t focus on the idea that a “higher level is better”, but instead, on seeing the perfection and unity of all expressions of Love, even actions such as survival-focused, reptilian brain ones which we tend not to think of as such.  It is via that perception that allow more expansive experiences.

I’d like to intersperse this with a little personal report on how this is affecting me.

Many changes seem to be happening inside me as this writing and channeling is going on.  First, as the focus on what Love IS continues, more potential for the experience of it has shown itself, and at the same time, more light has been shown on the manners in which I resist it.   Things I’ve not fully accepted about myself.

For example, this morning as I was meditating in the sunlight, fears came up strongly.  Before, I would feel plenty of discomfort, with many impulses to get up and abort the practice, but this time it was much more a direct experience – terror.  Today, these were all related to my impatience, such as what I’m “missing out”, intolerant thoughts such as “why haven’t I gotten over this yet!”, and thoughts of all the other things I could be doing now.  The latter ironically included things my mind thinks would be loving – which were always about the future and not in the present moment.  My impatience also does a wonderful job in excuses to avoid any pains or intense feelings occurring in the present moment.  Years ago I truly thought I couldn’t handle intense emotions and needed to be “fixed”.  Now there’s still some terror, but I know what is “me” is truly bigger than any of them.  Ironically, the emotions I could accept were the ones which I didn’t feel were “loving” emotions.  This now is superimposed on my newer understanding and application of Love which includes ALL these aspects of myself, which paradoxically includes, for example, small minded bickering (within myself and with others), frustration with myself, intolerance, and pure pain. 

When it comes to it, Love has been emphasized to me over the last few years – of which Troy’s group (Cocteauboy on here) has been a wonderful part – as a Wholeness.  That is, everything inside myself is already loving, including all parts I’d previously thought as not loving, such as anger.  More than that, it all IS Love.  This has changed so many perspectives, especially any perspective that thinks there is something in myself, or others, that needs fixing.  That change has been such a shift in truly appreciating the magnitude of simply being alive on Earth and in getting to a sense of play with all of life.

back to the book…

The following are 3 exercises that I am putting out there.  I would like as many people to try them as possible and report back any experiences and thoughts they have.  So no, you don’t have to comment right away on this one!
 

1.      The first has simply to do with assisting you in transcending the sense of isolation that can exist.  Position yourself where you can feel sunlight on your body, preferably your face.  Closing your eyes, imagine yourself becoming one with the particles of light and energy that rain down upon you and around you.  Feel the Love that comes to you from the enormous source of energy that is available to you at almost any time.  This source of energy has, of course, no expectation whatsoever from you.  It is freely given.  It is yours.  Feel, then, again, the sense of oneness that begins to pervade you as you feel the warmth spread on your skin.  Allow yourself the freedom to expand INTO that source, for you are indeed a part of it.  Your sense of awareness, then, may begin to extend to other facets of nature.  Sense the trees in their perfection.  Inhale the scent of flowers, of the damp earth fresh from rain.  Listen to the sounds of nature all around you.  If you are not in a place where nature can be sensed so closely, you can still feel at one with the walls and the carpeting and the roof around you, for all of these things once came from nature.  Awareness that a thing is as perfect in moving from its original form to another will increase your sense of oneness with everything around you.

 

2.      For the second part of this exercise, we encourage you to extend your awareness to the perceptions of others.  Specifically, to the meeting of the boundaries of your Self as you know it and the boundaries of others.  All of you have experienced a time when someone moved past your own internal boundaries and created within you a sense of discomfort.  This is especially true of children, and you all have memories of being children when your boundaries were crossed.  Many children react with violence, and some withdraw.  It is this pattern of behaviour that persists later in life.  It is important, then, to maintain an awareness of the boundaries of others whenever you attempt to connect with them for balance to be achieved.  The innate desperation we spoke of earlier creates a sense of urgency in connections, causing “rushing” and ignoring of boundaries.  It is important to temper the connection within the confines of the boundaries of whom you are attempting to connect.  This then, leads to this second exercise.

 

Imagine your self surrounded in a circle of your closest friends, acquaintances, or family members.  You love all of them.  You are aware of their love for you.   Starting with a very small circle, imagine yourself sending an invisible cord from your heart to theirs through which to connect more closely.  If this is done slowly and with gratitude, you will sense at some point a slight barrier between you.  Feel this barrier, and allow your gratitude to expand and include it.  Enjoy this connection, and appreciate any sensations that come through this barrier, without any rush or urgency.

 

This circle can now grow further.  Allow then, the circle to begin to widen to include still others.  You notice this creates a momentary sense of the potential of loss.  Be aware that through the cord of connection the circle could widen to an infinite degree without you ever losing connection.  Practice attempting connection, feeling a boundary, appreciating it, and then allowing the circle to widen further with those of your immediate acquaintances for some time.  You will notice more than likely, shifts will occur within the construct of these relationships.  Notice them and allow them while maintaining the knowledge that the connections can never be severed, no matter how wide the circle grows.

 

You may wish to continue this exercise and practice it with those with whom you are less acquainted with, for instance, work colleagues.  It is not necessary to maintain an intense connection with those around you, but instead to simply allow a connection to develop and grow naturally between you.  Once allowed to develop naturally, the connection will strengthen of its own accord.

 

3.      The third exercise involves increased awareness of Self.  You have all likely heard that in order to love others, you must first love yourselves.  We would not put it in such stark terms.  However, loving yourself is the SAME as loving others.  There is no difference.  Love is Love. 

 

Visualize yourself, then, high up on a remote, rocky mountaintop.  Your friend the sun is gently warming your face.  Your awareness extends to the circle you made in the second exercise, however it is far, far away, and you are simply alone.  You sense the grandeur of your surroundings, yet, at the same time, you are aware of the perfection that exists within the rhythmic being of your own heart.  And it is this sound that now lulls you to sleep at night.  On this mountaintop, you are aware of the rhythmic ebb and flow of the tides of the movement of clouds across the atmosphere of the ever present circling of the seasons as they occur around you.  On this mountaintop, you experience time both very quickly and very slowly at the same time.  Allow then, your awareness to build towards the circle you made, and toward the source of the sun at the same time.  Moving in both directions causes your own inner source, your heart, to grow as well.  You are now aware that your entire existence can reside within the vastness of your own heart.  This gives you a tremendous sense of peace and gratitude for the perfection that is you.