Loving Awareness

With an eye to what helps.

Posted by matthew on June 26, 2007  |  28No Commentshttp://www.loving-awareness.org/2007/06/26/with-an-eye-to-what-helps/With+an+eye+to+what+helps.2007-06-26+17%3A44%3A00matthew

To recur on the theme of power from before, one idea that has stuck with me for many years is:

Power resides in simplicity.  The more powerful you wish to be, the slower and simpler you must be.

Gandhi was a superb example of this; he affected hundreds of millions by his simply living.  However, I had an experience during a debate a few weeks ago with the Work Less Party that illustrated this as well.  The debate was about whether it was right for Canada to send troops to Afghanistan.  There were, of course, many arguments which could be said for and against it, most of which exist for any nation in NATO.  However, my response bypassed all of this:

“I would say that we’re answering the wrong question here.  The question isn’t it whether it’s right or not to send troops.  The question is :  what will help?”

(I then went on to document examples of missions in the world that actually did help, which were generally in the area of non-profit activities.)

The interesting thing about this tact is the lack of arguments it created.  If I had stated that something is wrong with that action, it’s guaranteed to provoke conflict, because it is a divisive statement.  I would be saying that this behaviour and the people supporting it are wrong, and I’m right.  For example, those with loved ones in the military might feel personally attacked.  Others might contradict me as a matter of course without listening to me because they know that who they are isn’t wrong (which is true) and the argument makes them feel so.

On the other hand, focusing on only what will help, without any judgment on the current state of affairs, creates much more room for both clear seeing and open choices.  It is a stance of Love.  Love starts with what IS, without any reservations about what it “should be”.  It then focuses on what will help – even if it is only one small step on a path a continent away.  The next moment is responds in the same way, always with an open mind.  Sometimes what will help is different than before.

This a lot of parallels to other areas of activism and human conflict. Activism is filled with a lot of conflict driven behaviour.  So much of it comes from admirable motivations, such as environmental stewardship, a desire to end poverty and the inherent violence therein, an end to conflict, or a desire to have small voices heard.  However, if the focus is on what is wrong with the world, it will provoke defenses.  It may attract attention, but it rarely provokes listening.  By focusing on only what will help – not what will help me, or the environment, or them, but the entire situation without division – you remove so many barriers towards effective change.   Everyone wants to help.  Yes, even George Bush!  The problem isn’t that – it’s the myopic vision that cannot see the whole picture that creates the situation.  Bypassing right and wrong creates a shortcut into this big picture.

This applies to personal relationships as well; when one person says “you did this to me!” there is an inherent conflict in that statement.  It’s a desire to make the other person wrong.  Changing that to a desire to help the situation – for both parties to experience joy – will always change perspective.  Sometimes what will help is an apology.  Other times it is clear communication of your experience without blame.  Still other times it is appropriate distancing.  It’s all flexible and starts with clear seeing and listening.  That’s what Love is.

[oh yes, and I did get a nice applause for my speech with some strong listening from the audience!]

boundaries revisited!

Posted by matthew on June 24, 2007  |  29No Commentshttp://www.loving-awareness.org/2007/06/24/boundaries-revisited/boundaries+revisited%212007-06-24+20%3A16%3A00matthew

In honor of my mother’s visit (there’s a conference on commodity stocks in town she’s interested in) and in self-preparation here’s some thoughts on boundaries. I’m always learning about this when she’s in town!

To start off with, probably the best analogy is that of a cell in our own bodies.

(Note: does anyone else see a similarity to a brain in that?)

The membrane in a cell does an essential function. It controls, among other things, what goes out and what goes in. This is essential, because analogous to us, what is food to one cell can be poison to another. Without a good boundary, health decays as the composition becomes a cesspool, good for little in the long term. Boundaries allow for choice, which is always a good thing.

Boundaries are also essential for clear perception. Without them, it is impossible to tell causal factors, such “what brought up this feeling?” Emotions and psyches are so enmeshed that eruptions occur without rhyme or reason. In a relationship, this most often shows up as drama. Strong emotion occurs, and because of the lack of clear boundaries, it is impossible to determine where it comes from. Thus there is a huge tendency for projection and condemnation.

This occurs even when positive intention is set. Our psyche and energy systems have their “waste products”, much like the cells in our bodies mentioned above. Hence the term “shit”! But this isn’t a bad thing either; as above, what is excrement to one can be food to another, even on an energetic level. However, in a close relationship it is likely the people are similar enough that this wouldn’t be the case; hence the need for boundaries and awareness of actions.

Looking at two people are in a relationship and healthy boundaries aren’t there (which is fairly common, as we as a society are learning about boundaries), I see two general patterns as coping mechanism.

i. Distance/withdrawal. In this case, at least one person withdraws to keep the relationship peaceful and not too rocky. There is a spectrum of this, from conscious choice, to unconscious internal actions. An example of the latter is the overfunctioning/underfunctioning dynamic, where one person relinquishes self in a dance of withdrawal or inability to cope to the other person, who acts like they’re the one who “has it all together”. The former might include two people being “together” but living very separate lives; some societies have very rigid splits between men and women that help keep this distance to avoid drama and having issues come up.

ii. Conflict and drama. Instead of distance keeping the peace, two people jump even closer together. This can be for a variety of reasons, from wanting to “figure out the relationship”, to “resolving issues”, to wanting the other person to “just get it”, to a passionate pronouncement of love without awareness of self. Sometimes this results in conflict between the two parties, but it can also involve triangulation, where two people get close, but see all the froth of the chaos as being “caused” by a third party, which could be a person or even a political/social ill. This coping mechanism is more about constantly “diving in”, because if new issues constantly arise you never have to see more fundamental, pervasive choices.

It’s important to note that there may be underlying issues in all these behaviors, but a major factor is proper boundaries. Or to put it in other terms : knowledge of self. To have proper boundaries goes hand in hand with self-knowledge, and the perception of how complete you are as an individual.

Now, that’s all background. So the question is, how are good, healthy boundaries achieved? Many people get the idea that establishing good boundaries is a constant war zone, where an uneasy truce is arrived at after warning shots. While that can be a boundary, it is not a healthy one, as it can all too easily escalate into an entrenched war zone.

Boundaries are a form of Love.

Although most people wouldn’t see it as this, they do what they are meant to do: provide safety and protection, which is in itself a form of love.

Nothing is lost by setting a boundary. Rather, it is a declaration of the person, yourself, that you are creating in the moment.

Because boundaries are a form of Love, they already exist naturally. You don’t have to do anything. All you have to do is allow them. Boundaries are not cultivated from mammoth efforts. Rather, they are cultivated by allowing the complete expression of your full being, including self-protective elements. This may include elements unacceptable to the culture you live in, but so what? Your self is truly far too large to be contained in any culture.

Take a look at a cat being stroked. At some point, it will have had enough. If restrained or irritated by touch it doesn’t like, it will set boundaries. For those of you not close to cats, this isn’t done with any malice, nor attack. It is the allowing of a message from within that says : what I need in this moment has changed from previous moments. Please listen.

Apart from simply allowing the process, another essential factor is play. It’s very hard to learn anything without playing! You try something out of a sense of discovery and fun, and watch the results. You then try something differently. There’s no right or wrong, only a continual process of learning about Self. This is how children learn for so many years, until we educate it out of them. It’s no accident that most learning in life occurs while this sense of play is unrestrained. Even though playing with boundaries can provoke irritation and ire, that’s no reason to be too serious about it!

People may ask “but people often use setting boundaries as a form of control.” That’s true. If someone is triggered easily, they can be invasive on what’s not alright with them. This IS based in protection and self-love, trying to take care of one’s self – but if a large amount of pain exists then the area of protection desired may be so large it crosses into other people’s lives. This is what control is. In which case, these people need help. And the best help is ALWAYS a good example – a living example of what a loving boundary looks like. It’s by living examples we change the world; merely speaking words doesn’t actually do that much, comparably. And yes, that gives me some humility!

True Power.

Posted by matthew on June 5, 2007  |  30No Commentshttp://www.loving-awareness.org/2007/06/05/true-power/True+Power.2007-06-05+16%3A04%3A00matthew

If there’s anything that seems to create both longing and repulsion in our society, it’s power. People see it, and are both drawn to it and repulsed by its misuse. Even if we try to avoid power, we cannot avoid it completely. Power is a need as much as breathing and connections are. Without power, we would have no energy, and would only be a husk instead of dynamic beings.

However, the manifestation of power can vary greatly in its degree. Here’s some examples (those of you into Michael will recognize them) :

• Power from obtaining blind unquestioning obedience from others.
• Power from learning how to follow “the rules”.
• Power obtained from positions in society.
• Power from being an active member in a community and the support that means.
• Power obtained from knowing yourself.

You can see a progression there. This comes in to what true power means to me:

You know when you have reached a state of true power when your power cannot be taken away.

If you look at the above list, only the last item cannot be taken away. Others can refuse to listen and obey you, rules change, positions can disappear, and communities can undergo upheaval. Jobs can be lost; friends can be offended. As Buddhism teaches : everything in this world is transient.

However, I’m discovering more and more in my life things which are not transient, but are simply intrinsically part of who I am. Here are some things that give me power.

I have the power to not resist.

Though this sounds paradoxical to power, it goes to the root of all suffering. We suffer when we resist whatever experience is happening to us in this moment. Creating division internally by resisting an experience is a form of violence to myself. The knowledge I can choose to not resist anything gives power. [Note that this doesn't invalidate or make wrong the choice to resist; sometimes it's very practical and necessary to say "No" or "Not now."]

I am open to support in all form

Support is absolutely necessary for power and well-being. No one can experience joy or power in an ivory tower. A baby is perhaps the best example of this, as I’ve mentioned before. They are profoundly open to others support; they attract attention and care through their trust and openness. It is their openness that attracts rather than any active behavior.

It is also powerful for me to be clear what “all forms” means. It means that I simply don’t know what form it will take, and I’m fine with not knowing. It can be from friends. It can be from guides. It can be from the earth under my feet. It can be from the simple sensation of brushing my fingertips against a couch, reminding myself of my aliveness. Being open to all forms requires flexibility, which brings me to the next item…

I can adapt and change

Those who are rigid in their approach to life find themselves in constant battle. The world changes, as it’s designed to do, but they cannot. Therefore there is constant effort to make the world conform to their expectations. If a tragedy occurs, they are devastated. They will exhaust themselves in denial and in futile attempts to move the unmovable mountain.

Some martial arts can be good for learning this; they teach us to use the energy of the other person in an adaptive way, never making more effort than necessary. Some effort is always required, but by being flexible, we minimize it. The Tao Te Ching says it wonderfully :

A man is born gentle and weak.
At his death he is hard and stiff.
Green plants are tender and filled with sap.
At their death they are withered and dry.

Therefore the stiff and unbending is the disciple of death.
The gentle and yielding is the disciple of life.
Thus an army without flexibility never wins a battle.
A tree that is unbending is easily broken.
The hard and strong will fall.
The soft and weak will overcome.

This of course goes directly against the Hollywood ideal of power. Try it on for yourself and see if it works better for you than that!

I have detachment from results

Any attachment to an end result means there is something you want that can be taken away or not reached. This in itself provides fuel for fear. When we derive power from the process of living, instead of the results of our effort, there is nothing that can be taken away from us.

The best example of this is the greek concept of areté. (see the link for a full definition) The person with areté simply lives to their utmost potential, even in the face of hardship and disaster. Their well-being is derived from this sense of excellence in their life. Their actions come not from a place of desiring results, but simply because excellence is who they are. It is a continual, self sustaining source of energy, filled with love of self.

I can speak out and exert influence

This is what most people would think of when it comes to power – but note that it came after all of the above. There is no power without the ability to make an influence. However, it is the ability, or potential, that makes the power. It there is a need to make an influence, there is of necessity an attachment and inflexibility. There is also a lack of Love in the behavior, and so it will always create a counter force. If you make influence from a place of complete acceptance and love, there is no additional resistance created. People start listening.

Others’ power adds to my power

This is the final clincher, because at the root of true power is Love. True power is in harmony with others; it rejoices when others gain more power in their own lives. There is no one to compete with, and therefore no fuel for conflict, either externally or internally.

By all means, share your own source of power!